St. Joan of Arc
The last time I posted here, I was 49 years old. I turned 50 on December 29, and I'm not sure I'm used to the idea quite yet. I think women are so conditioned to react in a certain way about this milestone that it's difficult to tell how one really feels.
I certainly felt shock. I imagine that's to be expected. And like my mother before me, I didn't want too much fanfare about the whole thing. My parents came to town, and my husband, daughter, and I went out for dinner with them. I received gifts, for both my birthday and Christmas. My sister and best friend called on the telephone to sing "Happy Birthday" to me, and of course I got many well wishes from Facebook friends.
I thought of having a bigger celebration this month of January, as my birthday falls between Christmas and the New Year, when many people are busy and/or exhausted. But to be honest, the idea of it felt stressful. Just thinking about who to invite was overwhelming. I had to ask myself, "Self, what does your heart really desire?" Not just for the birthday itself, but for this new phase of life?
Because that's what it is. Maybe especially for a woman, 50 is about embarking on a new journey. I haven't hit menopause yet, and I'm still raising a child, but some women my age are post-menopausal, empty-nesters. I'm technically still in the "summer" of life, but the next season is right around the corner, and there's no more denying that I have reached middle age. My clever rationale is that one cannot truly know when one's middle age was until death. But being that I'm not likely to live too much past 100, I can no longer avoid the middle age label, even to myself. It's here.
So now what? Does anything actually have to change? Besides continuing to get older, nothing technically must change just because I've hit not only a new decade, but the half-century mark. People will tell you that "age is just a number." That's not really a helpful saying when one turns the big 5-0. Plus, this attitude, that it's no big deal after all, side-steps what can be an excellent opportunity to head in an exciting new direction.
I actually began some positive changes last year, such as giving up dairy for Lent. Though I've had some milk chocolate and a few slices of cheese pizza since then, for the most part I've kicked the dairy habit. In the process I've shed about 14 pounds! I actually weigh less now than I did in my 40s, so ha!! I've given away many pieces of clothing that were too large and bought smaller sizes for replacements, and that's a great feeling.
In October I purchased a bra online that was too snug. I was going to return it but didn't. Last week my husband asked me about it, and on a hunch I tried it on. Only a few months later, and it fits! Since I've continued to lose weight strictly by not consuming dairy, imagine what I could do if I was trying, like, if I kept to a consistent exercise regimen.
What I've determined that I really want for my birthday is to allow myself more good things. I've "made do" with what I had all my adult life. Only recently have I even let myself buy most of my clothing new, rather than from thrift stores. I've lived with most of the paint color choices in my home that were here when we moved in over 11 years ago. We've left home projects that seriously need to be completed undone, and there's no reason for it. Shabbiness really isn't chic, and it doesn't bode well for one's confidence and self-respect. It's time to blow the horn, yell charge!, and ride into battle.
Over the years, of necessity, I got into the habit of being very frugal. Not being wasteful, not shopping for emotional therapy, using what I had on hand creatively--all of these are good things. But I fear that deep down I haven't felt worthy to have what I want. Also, because my husband has been the primary breadwinner since our child was born, I've always cringed at spending money.
I had to force myself to buy a new bed last year, even though the mattress was 14 years old, and my back desperately needed better support. My contributions to my family are worth a pretty penny indeed, and it's okay to spend some of those shiny coins to bring more Beauty to my days. I'm not advocating gross consumerism, but rather having quality over quantity, being good stewards of one's possessions, and cultivating an authentic life.
Turning 50 is setting me free to ask for what I want and to let go of the guilt. If I don't create the life I dream of now, when will I do it? Now is the time to keep working toward my ideal weight, to paint my home and decorate to fulfill my "hacienda dreams" (see previous post), to finish decluttering in all senses of the word, and to allow myself true happiness.
No one has to wait for a particular age to be happy. But for une femme d'un certain age, I implore you that it's necessary. Now is the time to make happiness your top priority. So hop on a wild mare with me, grab your lance, and let's ride!!
