Zach Bush, MD
The following is an excerpt from Dr. Zach Bush, one of the very few triple board certified physicians in the U.S., on the Rich Roll podcast, #456, recorded at a retreat in Italy.
"The cubicle you're really living in is your story. You're gonna go back into an environment at home where everybody thinks they know who you are, because you have very carefully created a cubicle that you show everybody. You are a multi-faceted spiritual creature, that has innumerable facets and faces to you. There is such beauty and complexity in you, and yet you choose to show forth faces of a cubicle. And you have created that story of your life and who you are through training. And I would say that's the biggest problem that all of us face in this room, is the story that you now tell yourself of what your life has been. It's keeping you in a box."
Take a moment to breathe deeply and soak this in.
I listened to the podcast weeks ago and have been thinking about how to do it, how to let go of my story, ever since. I don't have advice to give on how to transcend one's story, but I think I need to spend the rest of the summer trying to figure it out. I believe I was already in the process of doing this months ago, at the end of my grandparents' lives. I knew I would no longer have the key source of support and unconditional love that they had provided my whole life. Sure, I have other support systems and loved ones, but what my grandparents represented for me was unique and foundational to my story.
I was somehow aware, through the grief and numerous mixed emotions I was experiencing, that I had been trained into a box of who I was supposed to be, and I felt the prison breaking open, turbulently, as I came to terms with my grandparents' passing. I knew that I must never apologize for being who I am. I owed no one an explanation, not for anything that came from my sense of dignity and the sincerity of my heart. It was okay for me to be weak. It was okay for me to be strong. It was okay for me to be myself.
I do not believe that my grandmother lived in a cubicle. On more than one occasion, when I was thinking that the state of the world had grown so dark that there must have been a time in history that was better, that we could go back to, I asked Grandma what past era was her favorite. She was born in 1928. She would never choose, always telling me that she had enjoyed all of the eras of her life, including the current one. I understand now that she lived in the present. And because she did, because she wasn't boxed in by her own story, she could allow others the freedom to not be defined by theirs. I wish I could ask her how she managed to live this way.
I had been told a story from my early childhood for many years, over a period of decades, that was always the same. It was a sweet story that I enjoyed hearing. And then the last time it was told, it was changed entirely. The new version cast me, as a small child, in a lurid light. What had been sweet turned suddenly sour. I knew logically that the revised version could not be true, as it was markedly different from what I had heard my entire life. After listening to Dr. Bush, I decided that not only must I let go of the version that hurt me, but the one which had made me happy as well.
This was someone else's memory. It was not mine, and I did not have to hold onto it. It did not have to define me or have anything to do, either good or bad, with my present self. It was another person's story, that for whatever reason was altered, and it need not mean anything to me. When the story changed, I realized that it had always been an illusion.
I don't think Dr. Bush was talking about "reframing" our experiences, though that could be a place to start. Rather, I think he was talking about a radical detachment. He doesn't even like the story that is told to introduce him in interviews about his rare accomplishment as a triple board certified doctor. These details of his life are not who he is.
When we hang on to our story, we will find ourselves stuck. Our stories can play obsessively in our minds. Memory is not necessarily accurate, and the power of suggestion is strong. We have been trained by the stories others have told about us, and that they will not let go of, to hold onto our own stories as well. Curiously, my grandma didn't tell me stories of my childhood. Our relationship is not colored by her stories of me. For this I am profoundly grateful.
What about you? I encourage you to take the time to listen to the whole podcast. It may sound a bit "out there" in places, but I think the basic idea of breaking out of one's cubicle is solid. Dr. Bush goes so far as to say that we can have a whole new life in a day! And I think the key is to start with small changes.
Do you want to give up coffee, but tell yourself that you are a coffee drinking person? Do you want to be a dancer but tell yourself you are clumsy, because that's what you've always heard, and you have the bruises to prove it? Do you tell yourself that you are disorganized, a perfectionist, lazy, lonely, depressed, stupid, smart, fun, boring, offensive, nice... ?? What if you did start fresh, today, right this very moment, dropping every story? What a scary thought! Like standing on the edge of a cliff.
But what if you could stand on the edge and not fall?
These are the questions.
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