The Spiritual Art of Detachment | Triggered by the Masks

I first learned about detachment as a member of the Al-Anon 12 Step groups for friends and family of alcoholics. I was an active member for 10 years, and the topic of detachment came up frequently. The principles and practices of Alcoholics Anonymous are based upon traditional Christianity, though the organization and its affiliates are autonomous groups with no religious affiliation. 

Detachment is difficult to both define and to practice. In the 12 Step groups, it's usually applied to emotionally distancing oneself from the problems and behaviors of another person. It isn't about not caring or going numb; we are supposed to feel our feelings and detach with love. 

Say, for example, that your spouse comes home drunk and passes out in the bathroom. You could lie awake for hours stewing in fear or anger, plotting the tongue lashing you're going to give him when he wakes up. Or, practicing detachment, you could check to make sure he's breathing okay, cover him up with a blanket, say a prayer, and go to sleep. You'll wait until he has sobered up to talk to him and will keep control of your own emotions and actions. 

Lately I've found that rather than needing to practice detachment with a particular person, it's the events of the outside world that are causing me anxiety, which could easily lead to obsession. Obsessive thinking, the desire for control, and an overly developed sense of responsibility are typical issues for the Al-Anon person.

I found myself worrying about people at Mass last evening, so many wearing masks, and knowing that it isn't healthy for them. I feel very disturbed with all the mask wearing, both forced and voluntary; loads of yellow caution tape in public places; and intense arguments and contradictory information in the news and on social media about COVID-19. Add to that the issues of civil unrest, murders, rapes, robbery, and destruction happening at the hands of Black Lives Matter and Antifa, and the debates surrounding all that. Top the bitter cake with the mismanagement of government officials in all of these areas, in many cases their blatant encouragement of mob rule, and we have a perfect storm of widespread insecurity and a desperate fight to preserve our safety, rights, and freedom. I will be shocked if it doesn't all rage to a volcanic explosion the likes of Pompei. 

The art of spiritual detachment seems nearly impossible to practice with the intense, prolonged, and multiple stresses we are all facing. Our own personal issues are quite enough to deal with. Adding so much extra baggage from the outside is too much of a burden for anyone. Sanity will not be possible without detachment. 

I will continue to explore detachment in subsequent posts, but for this one, I've gathered the memes to help define the concept, which is what one has to do before putting it into practice. Detachment really must begin with daily prayer and the Bible, or at least conscious contact with a "higher power." I highly recommend the Rosary. I have found that it not only calms me, but gives me clarity and stabilizes my thoughts and emotions. 

I hope you have found this helpful. Godspeed, Rita Michele

Discerning the Child's Needs

Beezy is sick and has been running a fever since Saturday. Thankfully we are going to the doctor this afternoon. It has got me to thinking about how different I can be toward my child when her needs are so clear:  cold medicine, herbal tea, saline nasal spray, tissues, good books to read to her, movies to watch, Tylenol, and lots of tender loving care. When she is ill I am gentler, more aware of what I need to do to help her.

More often I think adults react to children without taking a moment to be mindful of their underlying needs. Our culture focuses more on disciplining behaviors that are determined (often arbitrarily) to be undesirable. When a child is throwing a tantrum, or hitting someone, or running through the house, the automatic response is to punish the behavior, to scold (and therefore humiliate) the offender. My experience with Al-Anon, a support group for friends and family members of alcoholics, gives me valuable insight and a different response. This is the practice of the acronym HALT, which originated in AA. If you are feeling hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, you are to halt what you are doing and take care of that need in a healthy way, therefore lessening the chance that you will drink (or if you are the loved one of the alcoholic, before it can manifest in some other self-destructive behavior).

In a similar way, when a child is out of sorts we adults need to HALT for him. Is the child hungry, angry, lonely or tired? When Beezy was much younger, she would become overstimulated in large groups of people. Her dad and I could sense when this was happening, and we knew it was time to leave the party, street fair, or whatever crowded place we were in before she had a meltdown. Other hidden needs might be to feel included, to be paid attention to, to have some one-on-one time, to go outside and release some energy, to be comforted, to be accepted. There is always a need underlying the behavior, and the primary goal ought to be to meet that need, not to simply stop the behavior (or worse, punish the child for it). When the needs of children are discerned, the appropriate action can then be determined, which may indeed include a natural consequence such as a time out, having a toy or privilege removed, or making an apology. The adults in the situation may very well be contributing to the unacceptable behavior, and we need to take responsibility for our part in the problem. Is our own hunger, anger, loneliness, or sleep deprivation, or other problems such as grief and depression, coloring our view of the child?

There is also the issue of expectations. Not everyone has the same ideas regarding what is or is not acceptable behavior, or about what the natural consequences should be. For example, I imagine that there could be a large gap between how an unschooling parent sees and handles behavior issues, and how more traditionally minded people view them. Generation gaps, religious beliefs, and pop psychology are other possible influences. This is why observation of children is so important. This is why the adult needs to HALT before reacting to a child, before judging and making assumptions. Lording over children is disrespectful toward them. It is failing to see Christ in the child, and to me that is unacceptable behavior.

When I was in my Montessori teacher training, we actually had classes specifically on how to observe the child. We even took a field trip to the zoo to document in writing the actions of the animals in minutest detail. We did not draw conclusions; we just objectively watched and recorded what we saw. It requires more of the adult to be an intent observer, to objectively evaluate what is really going on with a child and to adequately meet her underlying needs. It is easier to blame the child, or if he isn't yours, to blame his parents or his teachers. They may be contributing to the issue, but when has blame ever solved a problem?

What I hope to gain from pursuing Catholic unschooling is a better relationship with my child; in fact, I think all of the relationships in my home will benefit from this approach to learning and life. When I become impatient or frustrated or distracted, I want to remind myself to be present in the moment, to really see my child as the amazing person and beautiful soul that she is. I want to extend the gentleness to her that I do when she is sick, at all other times.