Facebook Attachment Disorder

The shower, for many creative types, is an amazing and amusing incubator for ideas. Today while washing my hair, a repetitive, rhythmic motion that frees the creative right brain while the logical left brain is distracted, the words Facebook Attachment Disorder popped into my head. Inventing disorders appears to be an American pastime, so here is my contribution.

Typically an attachment disorder refers to the failure to form normal relationships. For example, the failure of a neglected infant to form human attachments due a lack of nurturing leads to psychological and emotional instability and the inability to love or to receive love. In the case of Facebook, I was thinking in the opposite direction--that people become overly attached to the social network.

But the more I think about it, the more I see a dual phenomenon. People are extremely attached, as in addicted, to the online interaction. We are invested in how many comments what we post generates and how many "likes" we do or don't receive. We rely upon the network to confirm our popularity and depend upon it for feelings of acceptance. Think about it. How many times have you seen those whiny posts in your news feed with someone using emotionally manipulative language about how most of their "friends" scroll on by them, but the people who really care about them will show the demanded proof? Too many to count? I don't take kindly to threats, which is what that really is, similar to a chain letter. So I scroll on by, proving myself an unworthy "friend".

The other side of the coin is closer to the meaning of attachment disorder. We are increasingly isolated and less connected in meaningful ways to people while living under the illusion of true communication. Time wasted on Facebook and similar online activities is time that could be spent with the people under your own roof, or with friends, or even just out in your community talking to people at the library, drug store, and post office. We could be visiting someone in a nursing home, feeding the homeless at a soup kitchen, praying and meditating, taking a walk and appreciating the hand of God in creation, baking a pie, or writing the great American novel. Instead we are googling and scrolling and playing video games, asking strangers for the truth and robbing ourselves of what can be touched, tasted, smelled, and seen. We have lost our voices, and we don't hear each other any more, either literally or figuratively.

I haven't found that Facebook enhances any of my real life relationships. Many times it has hurt and even destroyed them. I acknowledge its convenience and benefits, but is the dark side of the coin worth it? I have started and joined groups and have been very disappointed in the lack of mutual participation and response. I have been dismayed at the ignoring of boundaries and the runaway train effect of some conversations. We are losing the ability to be polite, charitable, thoughtful, and truly present. We have become tone deaf. We are living in a fantasy world.

Look at the technology trail. From radio, to television, to computer--the personal interaction becomes more and more distant in the home. From speaking on a telephone to texting, from hand written letters to email to snippets of words floating around the technosphere. From going to a live play to sitting in a movie theater to running out to the video store to watching movies on Netflix. The path always leads further away from personal interaction, from immanence. We are sterilizing ourselves.

If someone in my family is in the hospital, I want to receive a phone call. If a friend invites me to a party, I want to get an invitation in the mail. I want to feel known and that I personally matter. When I first started blog writing, a few people who knew me in the real world were offended by something I wrote. My intentions were completely misunderstood, another example of the tone deaf internet. Yet they could have called me on the phone to ask me if they understood me correctly. Some could literally have driven to my house in less than 5 minutes. But the disconnection of the ironic "social network" had already taken hold. I was no longer a living, breathing human being that they loved. I was dehumanized and instantly attacked in the public sphere of Facebook, rather than being addressed in the private counsel that Scripture admonishes us to keep. And at times I have also fallen prey to this temptation of instant gratification. Facebook is, for many, a near occasion for sin.

I think I need to "go in peace and sin no more", as we hear in church on Ash Wednesday. I like being able to share links to my blog on Facebook and to get a glimpse into the lives of long distance friends, but I think the price might be too high to pay. I have trouble tearing my eyes away from the computer when my child is standing right in front of me. Well, this can also happen when an adult is reading a newspaper, but somehow the attachment is not so strong. One doesn't so easily get caught up in the current of soupy images and words. On Facebook, we drown in it.

And it goes even deeper. If you are a woman, you are more likely to be silenced, even by other women. I said shut up, I said shut up, oh why don't you keep it down? Voices carry...

That's why I write this blog. Try as they might, no one can silence me here. I can use the technology at my fingertips to serve God, to reach out, to express my thoughts, feelings, ideas, and inner longings, and only those who choose to come here share in my journey. Sure, Facebook could be used to evangelize and the attempts toward this are made, but by and far, its interests aren't in spreading the Good News. Its desire isn't for deep and meaningful conversation. The forum itself simply isn't set up that way. The creator of Facebook was himself antisocial!

Facebook isn't conducive to sustaining the poetic and philosophical. There isn't the space. There are too many voices, all flying in the ether, with no time for reflection and contemplation. Either that, or the human soul is losing its capacity for art, for music, for the intimacy of the Beloved. Perhaps we prefer not to plunge our hands into the soil. We can keep a sanitary distance, attached to our addiction but detached from physical touch and spiritual companionship. And yet, occasionally, the divine Presence breaks through, and there is a smile, a kind word, a brilliant thought, a shimmering light. At this moment, I don't know if I will stay or go.

So I will share this post to Facebook, to my personal page and to my groups. I will extend the invitation to be real and present, but I will let go of the attachment to the response. And then, with divine help, I'll let go of the illusion.

Facebook Group Management

I am an administrator and member of several Facebook (FB) groups, and just as laying down some policies for managing a blog is helpful to both writers and readers, it seems that solid suggestions for the administration and membership of Facebook groups is similarly needed. My intention is simply that my personal experiences and individual philosophy might be of good use to others; take what you like and leave the rest. Anyone who has been on Facebook for enough time knows that it is a double-edged sword. It's great to be able to find old friends as well as keep in contact with those who may be far away. It can be a tool for any type of outreach, from evangelization to promoting a business. One can find useful information and enjoy a forum for self-expression and the exchange of opinions. Then there is the flip side.

Facebook is, by definition, a social network. And as with any social group, the potential exists for drama, chaos, darkness, and confusion. How do we navigate this road? Sometimes the negativity can be enough to drive a person to throw up her hands and just get the bloody hell off the crazy highway. But then you may miss out on the fun and positive opportunities that the social network affords. I think it is first of all important to differentiate between one's personal space, called the "wall", and a group forum.

Your wall is like a bulletin board in your own home. You can post pictures, personal information, website links, and any type of comment you see fit. People often consider FB to be a specifically public forum, when in fact it has a stronger element of privacy. You can friend or unfriend whoever you want, you can restrict what can be seen or posted to your wall using a variety of settings, and you are free to add or delete your wall content exclusively at your own discretion. No one should feel that he has the "right" to post whatever he wants to the wall of another person and expect that it will remain on display.

A Facebook group, on the other hand, is more like a community bulletin board. An individual may start a group, but the dynamics are entirely different from a singular person's wall. I have found that regardless of one's initial intentions in beginning a group, there will be varying interpretations of what content does or does not belong in the group. Some groups I belong to have been drama free, and I have never felt the need to delete a comment as the administrator. Other groups in which I participate have been filled with everything from minor drama and disagreements to hostility and nearly warlike behavior. Regardless of who started the group, it becomes to an extent community property, and nobody wants to feel compelled to post a "snark alert". Here are some guidelines I have determined which can alleviate much unnecessary confusion:

1. Name your group to reflect your intentions as accurately as possible. You may think that a name such as "Growing Up in Farmtown" is self-explanatory, but believe me, it is not. Using this as an example, we can first of all consider that there may be more than one Farmtown in the USA, so you will want to designate the state (or country) to  which you are referring. And right away there is a problem with the phrase "growing up". Do you mean to point to those who grew up in Farmtown in the past alone, or are you including those currently growing up in Farmtown? The name of your group will not be able to say it all. This leads to the next point.

2. Articulate the description of your group and its purpose as specifically and concisely as possible. A group with a very vague description, or worse, none at all, will open you up to chaos. For example, the "Growing Up in Farmtown" group description might say, "When I was growing up in Farmtown I liked the ice cream parlor." Okay, fine, but that is not a proper delineation of one's purpose. That would more likely be the type of comment a member might leave, and then others would join in with places they fondly recall. A better description would be, "A place to connect with friends from Farmtown, Ohio, both old and new, and to share memories and events of local interest". You might also request the posting of pictures, stories, ads for local businesses, current events, and cultural activities in the area, both past and present. Custom design your description to best reflect the desired personality and content of the group.

3. Understand that there will be varying opinions on what content is appropriate to the group, despite the name and description, so set policies accordingly. For example, you may create a group for Christian Polo Players. You may not, however, anticipate members that are, say, Jehovah's Witnesses, who may consider themselves to be Christian, while you do not. You may want to create a policy of interviewing potential members before adding them to the group, to avoid spam and screen more specifically who you want your members to be.

4. Avoid unnecessary censorship. The nature of your group and its dynamics will depend upon many factors, such as the size of the group and the education, socio-economic background, ethnicity, religion, age, etc... of its members. You should expect conflicting opinions and ideas about what is appropriate to share. As long as comments are generally relevant to the group and are polite and respectful, then allow conversations to flow as they will. It is fine for an administrator to politely interject a concern or to re-establish his intentions for the group. That is where having a solid description reference is vital.

5. As a group member or administrator, respect diversity and organic growth. For example, those who grew up in Farmtown in the 60s most likely had a much different experience than those growing up in the 90s. Reflecting on the past will undoubtedly invite comparisons to the present. Some people will have only rosy memories to share, while others will want to complain. National politics may not be relevant at all, while local politics certainly might. Discretion should definitely be used regarding topic choices. But if a woman just opened a bakery in Farmtown, for example, and she wants to invite the community, it would be rude for another member to insert that they only want to hear about the "good old days". The more the administrators stay neutral and objective, the better for a democratic, welcoming, inclusive group, one where members feel safe to visit and be themselves.

6. Always avoid personal attacks. You may want to vent about your next door neighbor's annoying dog, but doing so by naming names and calling him a no-good-so-and-so would not be appropriate in the Farmtown group or any group. On the other hand, posting the facts about local police corruption might be, as it could affect the community as a whole. Likewise, the Christian Polo Players should not condemn a particular church's teachings or call one of their players a dirty cheater, but lively discussions about theology should be expected to occur. If you do find that a comment must be removed, have the courtesy to notify that member before doing so, and explain your reasons. And better yet, first allow him the opportunity to defend his choice as relevant and appropriate.

7. Update your group's name, policies, and description as needed. Understand that the group will evolve and change over time. If it goes in a direction quite unlike your original intentions, re-evaluate what you want the group to be and and make the pertinent alterations. Any social group is always a work in progress.

Finally, keep in mind always that there are real, living human beings communicating online. There is no reason that peace and goodwill should not be extended to all. Give the commenter the benefit of the doubt. It is impossible to get a completely accurate feeling of the intentions of someone whose voice you cannot hear and whose facial expressions and body language you cannot see. Err on the side of charity. Isn't there enough bloodshed in the world? If you must fight, fight the good fight, and keep it clean!