Charity Begins at Home

The Rosary begins with making the sign of the cross, "in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen."  Holding the cross, the Apostles Creed is recited. Then comes the first bead, upon which the Our Father prayer is said. The next three beads are Hail Marys, and one meditates upon the three greatest virtues according to 1 Corinthians 13--faith, hope, and charity. Older bibles use that word, charity, while more recent translations replace charity with love.

Every time I said the Rosary, this Charity thing nagged at me. What does this mean? Is it the same as Love? Well, yes, but it has specific connotations, which I defined in my last post, The Blessing of Children. When I typically thought of charity, I understood it as giving to the poor and needy. Donating to charity. Charitable organizations. The biblical Charity certainly refers to this but expands the meaning to a lovingkindness, or compassion, extended to all of humanity. It emphasizes a leniency of judgment and a reflection of God's mercy. It encompasses a generosity of spirit and an openness of heart. Sacrifice is surely inherent to the concept. Love, or Charity, in 1 Corinthians 13 is never described as a feeling, but rather as a state of being, denoted by the verb "is". Love is patient, love is kind... And what it is not, ie., haughty, selfish, or rude. It does not keep an account of wrongs suffered. Charity is action oriented. It is about being generous with one's time, attitude, and attention, not just with one's money.

This passage is so popular at weddings, for the very reason that it is not about passing emotions, or romantic feelings. It "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things." Faith and hope are high on the list, but "the greatest of these is Charity."  Love never fails. That is, God is Love, and He never fails, and likewise we are not to withhold our Charity. Christian charity is to be extended to others NO MATTER WHAT. Tall order.

Today that old saying, "Charity begins at home" came to mind. When researching homeschooling and the concerns of others regarding socialization (I can hardly stand the word anymore!), a mother wisely wrote that proper socialization must begin at home. People in a family need to learn to get along with one another first and foremost. Husbands and wives must honor each other. Children must respect their parents. Siblings must be taught conflict resolution. Good habits must be established. Pets must be taken care of. Responsibilities must be shared. Parents must not antagonize their children. And so on. An attitude of Charity must be learned and practiced beginning in the home. You don't feed the birds but let your children starve. You don't volunteer for the benefit of others in the community to the neglect of your own children.

The Holy Family

It follows that if Charity begins at home, then the extended family comes next in widening the circle. For example, the feelings and needs of a grandchild take precedence over the opinion of an adult friend or neighbor. This does not mean that you allow inappropriate behavior, but you extend an attitude of grace to the little one. You model to the child respect for oneself, for others, and for the environment. If you don't make the welfare of your own immediate and extended family a priority, how will the children know how to best operate in the world?  Why does it seem so difficult for some Christians to focus on Charity toward those closest to them? If you would not talk to a friend from church or colleague at the office in a certain way, why do you talk to your husband, daughter, wife, son, sister, or grandchild that way? And no family member should be treated as lesser than another. Think about whether you extend unconditional love and acceptance to your own family members.

Unfortunately, the model of many Christians is not one of Charity. Some Christians don't have their priorities straight, and they worry about what outsiders think of them and their family more than they care about the consideration of their own family members. These people go to church but live quite a different life the rest of the week. This kind of hypocrisy turns so many people off ever wanting to be Christian, or makes it hard to admit for some that they are Christians themselves. They don't want to be associated with the "holier than thou" crowd who see the speck in the eye of someone else but not the log in their own.

Sometimes I get caught up in what other people think of my parenting. I feel like an open sore being stared and poked at. What if I don't want to belong to a homeschooling co-op this year? How many times a week does my child play with other children? Can she read as well as others her age? Should I put her in some kind of lessons? If her behavior doesn't live up to the expectations of others, will they think it is because she is homeschooled, or because I'm not a good enough mother? Wow, what a pile of buffalo chips to have to step around! (That's buffalo poop, in case you didn't know.) Whose business is any of this, anyway? Should I live my life trying to anticipate what will make other people happy? I will tell you right now, unequivocally, that it won't work. So stop slinking around corners holding a mirror and watching out for the basilisk living in Hogwart's castle. You will become paralyzed and not be able to function.

None of this stuff matters if my child does not receive unconditional love and acceptance from her family, whether immediate or extended. And that goes for the grace of Charity when it comes to how others treat my husband and I, too. So what should you do if someone is less than charitable toward you? You are still required to love him or her. But sometimes you just have to walk away, blessing others to go in peace, protecting your home front from harm. Although a door may close for now, perhaps a window will someday open. So keep your eyes on the ball of Love, my friends. Give the best example of your faith and hope that you can through the power of Charity, and let it begin at home (but also don't let it end there!).

1 Timothy 5:8 - But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

Dealing with Doubters, Part 1 (Homeschooling the Preschool Years)

Even if you have only just begun homeschooling, you have probably already encountered doubters and dissenters on your journey. For me, the first objections came before my daughter, who I will call Beezy, was old enough for kindergarten. My small family moved from Columbus to my hometown in northwest Ohio, when Beezy was 3. My grandma brought up the subject of a local preschool held at her church. As strange luck would have it, Beezy was not completely potty-trained, so I was off the hook. We did not have to make a decision that year.

By the time Beezy was 4, my husband and I were pretty sure we wanted to homeschool, and family members were aware of this. But my mother-in-law offered to pay for preschool, and upon hearing this Grandma delivered enrollment papers to us on multiple occasions, and even gave them to my mother-in-law! In hindsight my grandmother's intentions strike me as endearing, but it was quite distressing at the time. I called the preschool for Grandma's benefit, but many attempts to contact the director with my questions were unsuccessful, and from the one time I had spoken with her, it was clear that there was no real orientation program. The parents were to come on a particular evening and fill out paperwork, and no thorough discussion of the program was going to be given at any time.
     
I was used to the procedures of the Montessori school that I had taught at in Columbus, where there were numerous opportunities for parents to be indoctrinated into the Montessori method, so I was discouraged by this different situation. But mostly, I didn't see the point in having Beezy get used to going somewhere else for school, and then for kindergarten switching to homeschooling. Even if someone else was paying for preschool, it seemed like the money could be better spent. My Montessori training includes ages 3 to 6, so I was perfectly qualified to teach my child. Not that it takes special training to do so, but it seems it would have given others extra confidence in me to do the job.
 
I had read some opinions from early child development professionals suggesting that formal academic training is actually harmful to preschoolers. It seemed like the best idea to me to "follow the child," a term used in Montessori for child-centered learning. In the Montessori method, the key is a prepared environment with engaging, auto-educative activities that the children are allowed to freely choose, once they are shown how to properly use them. I had also read books by John Holt and became interested in unschooling, which basically involves answering the child's questions and facilitating in the learning process based on the child's interests. This reminded me of Montessori's "follow the child" philosophy, so for preschool, this was the way we went.

We had a Leap Frog magnetic alphabet on the refrigerator. Beezy began to ask what sound all kinds of words started with. I would say both the name of the letter and the sound it makes. In Montessori, the child learns the phonetic sounds first, using cut-out, mounted sandpaper letters. I found these letters at a consignment sale, so we began to work with those. Rather than have my mother-in-law pay for preschool, we asked her to help by providing art supplies that are difficult to come by where we live, and she was happy to do so. Beezy has been able to paint a zillion pictures on her easel, usually on a donated newspaper end roll from my aunt who works for the paper.

Being read to daily (the number one best thing a parent can do!), board games, tumbling lessons, story time at the library, Sunday school and other church programs, arts and crafts through our town's Parks and Recreation Department, nature explorations, museum trips, t-ball, soccer, play dates, and various other activities rounded out Beezy's "preschool."
 
Be aware, however, that no matter what great things you do for your child, the concerns of some people will not be alleviated, which was the case with my grandmother. They may be worried about socialization or just have negative preconceptions about homeschoolers. The hardest part in this situation was that Grandma had always been my champion. She was the one person in the world who had always provided me with unconditional love and acceptance, and for the first time ever, she was angry with me (for choosing not to send Beezy to preschool). This came as a shock. Had I stayed in Columbus and decided to homeschool, I don't think it would have been such an issue.
 
Ironically, I had moved back to my home town in great part to be closer to my grandparents. Grandma is one of the most important people in my life, someone I love dearly, and I did not want to lose this relationship. I also knew that my choices for my child had to come first. At the time, Grandma was having health problems that her doctors were unable to diagnose and treat effectively. Though the situation caused me terrible pain, I knew she wasn't herself, and I forgave her. For a long time, though, homeschooling was the invisible elephant in the room.

The silver lining is that these kinds of problems can be a catalyst for personal growth and spiritual healing, which I will explore in another post. Grandma has still expressed concerns at times, but our relationship is not only okay, it is as close as ever. In fact, she encouraged me to write about these issues and not to give up my mission for this blog, despite the discouragement of others. Most people are really not trying to vex you; they are sincerely concerned. In Part 2, I will discuss tactics for dealing with the doubters, and some of the reasons that I believe are behind their resistance.