To Strengthen and Exercise the Will

 

This is the students' motto of a Charlotte Mason education, and today I am focusing on the fourth everyday duty of Achieving Peace of Heart, to strengthen and exercise my will (decision and constancy).  If you have missed the discussion so far, it begins with the Feb. 15 post.

When I was younger I was interested in yoga. I remember reading a piece of advice on the subject, which was to just show up on the mat. Whether the practice of yoga is fitting for Christians or not is a matter of hot debate, and it is not today's topic. The point is that when it comes to the way of the will, the first step is to just show up. 

Some days, I feel anxiety first thing upon waking, and I don't even want to get out of bed. I might then grab my rosary and just show up to prayer. Or I might hear the dogs wanting to go out, so I show up for that small duty. As the morning goes on, I show up in the kitchen to make coffee and put away the clean dishes. I show up to put in the first load of laundry. I have my breakfast and show up to read the Scriptures for the daily Mass. 

Every time I fight acedia to show up to do the next right thing, I am exercising my will. When I make the decision to cook dinner for my family, to write out my daughter's homeschool assignments, even to simply take a shower and get dressed, I can claim a little victory. In these days of agitation and uncertainty, sometimes I forget that I am a daughter of God; I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me; I ought to do my duty to God, to myself, and to others; and I will choose the right. 

When I neglect my duties and struggle to maintain my routines, I feel my peace slipping away. I feel guilty, which modern society insists is taboo. Should is a four-letter word. And anyway, what is the purpose of it all?? The truth is, there is good guilt and bad guilt, and we need to heed our conscience. This is impossible to do without Silence. So I do my best to find Silence first, then balance times of prayer, work, study, and rest. Curiously, there is no true leisure without the tending to responsibility, and there is no space for creativity without structure. 

The beauty of it all is that we can always begin again, each day, in each moment. If your conscience convicts you, take ownership of your failure and forgive yourself. Clinging to the guilt is the bad part. Just show up to accomplish those four, everyday duties with joy and trust in the Lord, and your purpose will be revealed. 

Polish.

Today I gave myself a pedicure on my balcony sanctuary. Simply having a balcony sanctuary, especially on a lovely, mild, sunny June day, should be good enough to make anyone happy. But I was in a funk today. The week started out with a bit of a traumatic experience. We were at the Renaissance Faire on Father's Day, and "Great Aunt Flo" decided to visit. Luckily I was wearing dark-colored shorts. Such a thing has not happened to me since the 7th grade! As usual, my period wiped my energy out this week, and I didn't feel like doing much. One good piece of advice I learned in Al-Anon was, "Do the next right thing."

Yesterday I did the wrong things. I drank too much coffee, ate too much sugar, and was up not feeling so well in my stomach in the middle of the night. So I began today with an oatmeal breakfast and ginger tea with honey. I would care for myself better, I vowed! I threw in a load of laundry and hand washed a belly dance top I will need tomorrow. I polished my toenails, finally having enough regrowth on the big toe where I had the nail surgically removed. I knew that feeling prettier and not wanting to hide my feet would cheer me up. I also colored my hair to cover the grays. I still really, really didn't wish to practice dancing, but I made myself while my family went to the library. I do feel better. I also helped Beezy with her 4-H dog program book, which I really had no desire to do either.

I had a choice. I could continue to feel overwhelmed and unmotivated, or I could push through the blue fog and carry on. I could take some time to read something edifying, write in my journal, eat healthy, do a little housework, talk to my husband, water my flowers, and bring some joy, even if I had to drag it by the ear, into my day. The sun is still shining as it is going down, and I have the peace of knowing that the day was not wasted. My daughter will read to me tonight, and I'll read to her, and we will say our prayers and go to sleep. Simply abundant. Life.