Reflections of a Once Stylish Mom

I had my home (the downstairs that everyone sees, that is) all clean and decorated for Christmas by Saturday, Dec. 1!  While I told myself that this was an awesome thing, as now I could just relax for the Advent season, I felt let down by the end of Dec. 2.  The reason for this is that I had been working like crazy, preparing for a bridal shower I gave for a friend on Sunday.  All that house cleaning for an event that lasted less than three hours. Was it worth the blood, sweat and tears? Of course, I was more than happy to throw the party for my bosom buddy, and as long as I keep vigil so that clutter does not creep back in, I won't have to do any more stressful house work, well, maybe ever. (Okay, I know myself better than that.) Also, my sister said this was the cutest my home has ever looked! So why am I not satisfied?

Well, I like to beat myself up about the things I might have done better. And I was tired that day, so I didn't enjoy it as much as I might have. I had to drive to the next town for church that morning, since my RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults) class had our Rite of Acceptance, so I couldn't miss it. And I hadn't slept terribly well the night before, in anticipation of the big day ahead. So I felt like I looked tired. My hair had gotten frizzy from running around in the wet mist. My living room was so crammed full of guests that I was sweating and kept having to open the front door. I got compliments on my house as well as my snazzy new ankle pants from Ann Taylor Loft, but I still didn't feel like a morning star.

One of the problems is that I was once so very stylish. I had a nearly perfect figure and could wear one-of-a-kind vintage pieces that I can't fit into now, even if they still worked with my lifestyle. I had the best wardrobe, which came primarily from thrift stores, garage sales, Target, and vintage boutiques. I took risks, I had flair, I was fabulous! Now I live where there are not any shopping malls, or one-of-a-kind boutiques, or even a Target (yes, weep for me now, my sisters...) But that's not really the problem. It used to be easy to look great with only a little makeup. Easy and breezy to throw something on without thinking too hard about it and look hip. Although that's not entirely true, either. I once had the time to play around with my outfits, accessories, hair and makeup. I'd get dressed up and find somewhere to go if I didn't already have plans. Now there isn't anywhere to go. Dress up to walk the dog, run to the grocery, visit the library or my grandparents? And my husband doesn't help--he seems to think I am gorgeous and desirable no matter what. Wait--that's a good thing, right? Well, yes, but it doesn't help me try very hard to find the balance I so desperately need between being stylish and functional.

 Stylish Mom Icon, Katie Holmes

Strange things happen accidentally, though, that can help us see beyond our tunnel vision. Is there no way out of this beauty malaise? One day recently I had gotten hot and had taken my sweater off and was wearing only a tunic length, simple camisole top. When I got chilly, I grabbed the nearest thing, a rose-colored Western style shirt of my husband's. It fit perfectly. I looked pretty sexy if I do say so myself! Even our daughter remarked on how well it suited me. "After I wash this, I'm putting it in my closet," I told my husband. I was serious. I am that desperate.

I have bought new clothes, and I am cheered and inspired for a short time, but then my hair still doesn't work right, or the outfit doesn't work as well as planned, or I compare myself to someone who is thinner and has more money to spend on clothes. Even if I wouldn't dream of wearing shorts with lacy patterned tights in December (like the guest of honor wore to her bridal shower), I want to feel as attractive as she always looks. But I don't want to dress like her; I want to dress like me. How, for the love of all that is chic in the world-- exactly how? I found some great, stylish mom blogs today, and that got me thinking in a better direction. A key theme is to shop your own closet. Comfort is a necessity, but a few festive accessories can glam up an otherwise basic outfit when you need to be dressier. Layers bring out creativity and personality and help you change your pieces up. Getting rid of clothes you don't love and don't wear is a vital step, so that you can see the clothes that you will look forward to wearing.

If the sun had shined brightly today, I might not have fretted so. After all, this is trivial stuff. These are not Real Problems. But there is a long, long winter ahead here in Ohio. I want to feel like the best me I can be in every area of life. I want to feel lovely while I sit in my cozy home all decorated for Christmas. Most of the shopping is even done already! I don't want to waste a moment wishing for a better hair day, or cuter shoes, or a scarf that matches my coat better. So it is time to get myself together, once and for all! Or at least until spring, when I will have to figure out what to wear again. So stay posted. I'm going to be ambitious and put together some outfits with stuff I already have and become one of those savvy mom bloggers. We will get through these dark grey days in color, texture, beauty, and warmth--together!!

On Cleanliness & Godliness

I just mopped my kitchen floor. And it was dirty. Brown-water, sinfully dirty. Brackish as the marshlands. I have noticed that I regularly tell Beezy not to play on the dirty floor. Sometimes this is because we are going somewhere soon, and I want her clothing to look presentable. But other times, the dirt is so visible as to be a living entity which might gather her up and blow her out the door...

That saying, "Cleanliness is next to Godliness"--I often wondered, as I lived in an embarrassingly messy apartment, what did it mean? Did it have something to do with how often one bathed, or did it refer to purity of mind? Or could it--please Lord, no--have to do with the state of one's housekeeping? If a tidy home equaled a beautiful soul, then mine was as dark as the filth I rinsed from my mop this evening.

Eventually I had read enough self-help books to concede that the state of one's environment surely had an effect upon one's peace of mind--or lack thereof--and vice versa. The feng shui theories of clearing blocked energy via proper placement of furniture and decorative elements, reducing clutter, and keeping one's living quarters clean became commonly accepted wisdom. I lived alone until I was 33, so there was no one else in my apartment to blame for the chaos, unless you counted the cat. And I certainly felt better when I cleared the debris. I could think. I could breathe.

It doesn't matter, really, whether we live alone or with five children and a husband. My neighbor has 4 kids under the age of five, yet you can drop in any time and find her home always immaculate. What is the meaning of this madness? In two words: good habits. It isn't about whether you are married or single, childless or running a mini zoo. You either have good habits or you don't. I don't. Today I break free of my denial! If I were truly holy, would my house be cleaner? Am I not holy enough because I can't keep it all under control?

Before we get carried away, let's just take the first step of awareness. While there is certainly room for improvement, I have in reality made a great deal of progress. I think that at one time I had a mild hoarding disorder. I wouldn't have gotten on "reality" television for it, but I had definite anxieties about throwing anything away (and this was before the days of recycling). I no longer have a hoarding disorder, though I will balk if my husband tries to force me to go through an entire stack of papers and decide in a split second whether each item should stay or go. I still need the time to make sure. Besides, we don't want to be too much Martha and not enough Mary. You know, the sisters of Lazarus in Bethany that Jesus visited. He told Martha that Mary took the better part by sitting at his feet when she was fussing about doing all the work. Perhaps holiness is only one part cleanliness and two parts prayer and contemplation.

Saints Mary and Martha with Jesus

My home is probably six times bigger than my old apartment when I was single, and now I have a husband, child and dog. And by and large, things are cleaner and less cluttered. This is a huge accomplishment, and of course I have a lot of help from my husband. While it is a constant, repetitive battle, I do believe it is our sacred duty to instill good habits in our children. This is a gift we can give them that will serve them for their entire lives. Some day, perhaps, Beezy will be mopping her own kitchen floor, and the water will be a mere light gray.

Belly Dance: Workshop with Paulette!

Last night I drove an hour to attend a workshop in Toledo by Paulette Rees-Denis, founder of Tribal belly dance troupe, Gypsy Caravan. While I have to admit to being quite starstruck, Paulette is no distant diva. She is warm, down to earth, and has a smile to light up the darkest day. Aegela hosted the workshop at her studio, and having taken classes on occasion with the lovely lady, it was fun to be a fellow student with her.

I felt like I already knew Paulette. I learned Tribal from Angie Hay (a.k.a. Angie Never) in Columbus, who had learned directly from Paulette. When I moved away from the area to Northwest Ohio, there were no belly dance classes being offered in my county, so I decided to teach, and I began with Tribal. Angie was always so helpful when I had questions, and she recommended that I get some of Paulette's videos to refresh my memory. I did so, and also purchased Paulette's biography, Tribal Vision. Last night she signed it for me! I have subscribed for some time to Paulette's online newsletter and have been published there twice. We have corresponded a little via email. But actually meeting her in person was such a sweet treat!

Paulette has been belly dancing for 30 years, but she has been a dancer since childhood. Her mother still dances Flamenco at age 86! In addition to Flamenco, Paulette has extensive training in ballet, jazz, and African dance forms. She was Tribal pioneer Carolena Nerricio's first student and was an original member of her troupe in San Francisco, Fat Chance Belly Dance. They had their first performance in Paulette's backyard. Paulette eventually moved to Portland, Oregon and began teaching her own group improvisational belly dance style. Carolena's format is called ATS (American Tribal Style), and she has requested that other groups do not use this name. Paulette refers to her dance as Tribal, and one common name for non-ATS formats is Tribal Group Improvisation (TGI).

In a nutshell, Tribal belly dance combines movement vocabulary and aesthetic elements from dances of the Near and Middle East, India, Spain, North Africa, and the Romany (Gypsy). It is specifically a group dance which uses a system of cues, transitions, and intuition in a lead-and-follow format, having a homogenous "flock of geese" effect. It looks choreographed but is in fact art created in the moment, improvised within a structured form. The emphasis of Tribal is on a trusting community.

"Fusion" forms of dance that have erupted from Tribal often veer in directions away from any cultural roots of style and music, and in my opinion, no longer qualify as belly dance. While Paulette's form is contemporary and embodies many influences, her band, Gypsy Caravan, uses traditional Middle Eastern music and rhythms. The music is more simplified than classical Oriental to allow for the lead-and-follow format. And her dance is solidly grounded in traditional movement vocabulary. It is at once a modern, interpretive dance and a distinctive form of belly dance that is descended from American Vintage Oriental, earthy and organic but light and graceful.

I found Paulette's technique and teaching style to be of the highest quality. Aegela, who specializes in Egyptian Oriental and Folkloric, especially appreciated her emphasis on the importance of knowing the Middle Eastern rhythms and being able to play them on the zills, as well as teaching movements and combinations on both sides of the body. With Paulette's training in the various dance forms I mentioned, I think her style can be considered a true fusion, particularly with its distinctive jazz influence. Unfortunately some dancers are insufficiently trained in the forms they are supposedly "fusing", but this is not the case with Paulette. She is a true fusion dancer.

Paulette is not concerned with the "style" her students dance, but rather that they become good dancers and learn to express themselves creatively within the community context. Her style and posture are very natural to the body. She wants to be able to keep dancing forever, so she moves in a way that will not cause injury. She also feels that whatever style belly dance one does, Tribal can be incorporated. I used to teach mostly Tribal belly dance, but for the last year and a half, I've been focused on getting back to the roots of Egyptian Oriental. Lately I have become interested in revisiting that Vintage Oriental style I originally learned at Habeeba's in Columbus. Now I am moving toward putting all of my experience together in the vein of the recent trend of "Tribaret", designated as the "new classic" form that returns to American Cabaret (Vintage Oriental) roots but incorporates elements of Tribal. So I guess I am coming full circle!

If you get the chance to study with Paulette, do not pass it up! She is beautiful (even more so in person than in pictures) inside and out and is a wealth of experience and artistry. Thank you Paulette from the bottom of my heart for traveling to Toledo. I hope you will return soon! And thanks to the incomparable Aegela for hosting this truly memorable event.

American Vintage Oriental Belly Dance

In the 1960s and 1970s, Middle Eastern night clubs were opened by immigrants across the U.S. in places such as New York City, Detroit, and San Francisco. Middle Eastern dancers were brought in to perform in these clubs, bringing the “Oriental” styles of belly dance to American audiences.

Belly dance originates from three main branches—Egyptian, Turkish, and Lebanese/Syrian. Each of these styles comes from the folkloric, social dances of the people of various regions in the Middle and Near East, Mediterranean areas, and North Africa. In the night clubs of Cairo in the 1920s, ballet was incorporated into the traditional, cultural dances to polish them up for the stage. Along with glitzy, glamorous costuming invented by Hollywood, a professional, Oriental version of belly dance was born.

American women interested in learning belly dance picked up what they could from the dancers coming through the Middle Eastern night clubs. While the three main branches of the dance share the same, basic movement vocabulary, Americans could not distinguish between the nuances of music, style, and presentation. They blended what they learned together into a distinctly American version of belly dance. A 5-part format developed, with sections of the performance to include an entrance, a slow segment, a drum solo, floor work, and a finale. The prolific use of props such as zills, veils, and swords became distinctive features of the American style, and there was a strong flavor of Greek and Turkish influence. 

 Elena Lentini

Today this style is known sometimes as American Cabaret. This label is problematic, as it leaves out the fact that this dance, though an American “fusion” form, is composed of authentic Middle Eastern dance. Perhaps a more accurate term is American Vintage Oriental, which reflects the Middle Eastern roots while at the same time acknowledging the contribution of American dancers at a particular point in history.

In the U.S., American Vintage Oriental belly dance has evolved into two main “camps,” typically referred to as Tribal and Cabaret. The Cabaret version reflects the glamorous night club style, with its heavily beaded and sequined “bra and bedlah” costuming, usually worn with a skirt. It also retains the airier ballet influence with much dancing done on the balls of the feet, and is most often performed as a solo dance, although group choreographies are sometimes used.

The Tribal style descends from Jamila Salimpour’s troupe, Bal Anaat, in the San Francisco Bay area. Salimpour brought her version of the dance out of the night clubs, to be showcased instead at outdoor Renaissance fairs. She used folkloric style costuming and an earthier interpretation of the blended Middle Eastern dance forms. Individuals performed within the context of a large group of background dancers and musicians. 

 Aida with Bal Anaat

These categories are very general and are meant only to provide a broad framework for understanding the evolution of American belly dance, and in fact many dancers today use a combination of both Tribal and Cabaret stylistic elements and costuming. The dance has continued to develop in various ways in the United States, including the study of specific forms as performed in Egypt, Turkey, Lebanon and other countries of the overall region, returning the dance to its original, distinctive cultural roots, in more “pure” variations. A movement in the polar opposite direction champions personal interpretation and an “anything goes” fusion mentality over the preservation of traditional representations of the dance.

While Vintage Oriental is still performed, it has become something of a dying art. Perhaps it is this forgetting of the Middle Eastern roots of the dance, and the specific blended form that developed in the 1960s and 1970s, that has contributed to the disintegration in some sectors of authentic forms of belly dance in the U.S. Yes, belly dance is a living, evolving art form that welcomes personal innovation, but its cultural roots are inherent to any true understanding and representation of this beautiful, feminine expression.

Fall Belly Dance 2012 in Bryan, OH Session 2

Rita Helena, Directress of Parvana Moonfire Belly Dance

Neo-Classical Belly Dance with Rita Helena:

This class features a multi-level format in a synthesis of earthy Egyptian Beledi, Golden Era elegance, and American innovations, with an aura of Gypsy romance. Rita Helena’s expertise and creative techniques will provide a beginner friendly experience but will challenge even the advanced dancer. The class will include basic alignment, posture, isolations, shimmies, layering, personal styling, fluid transitions, graceful arms, fun dance combinations, and much more. Belly dance is a powerful way to strengthen the core and tone the body, as well as enhancing rhythm, flexibility and beauty. This ancient art form is the ultimate in feminine exercise. Come and embrace the dancer in you!

*All classes will be held at the Bryan Community Center on Buffalo Rd., upstairs. The session will run for 5 weeks on Thursdays from 6:30 to 7:45 p.m., beginning November 8, and the cost is $50. There will be no class on Thanksgiving Day. Please call the Parks and Recreation department at 419-633-6030 to register. A minimum of 8 students must be pre-registered, and pre-payment is highly encouraged to reserve your space. (This class replaces the previously scheduled classes for this session.)

*Students should dress in comfortable clothing that is not too loose, so the instructor can see your movements, and wear a belt or scarf around the hips. You can dance barefoot or in socks or ballet slippers. All classes will include a full body warm up and yoga cool down, for a holistic fitness experience.

Everyday Minuets #4

What a difference the sun makes! The shorter days trigger that "SAD" complex for me, Seasonal Affective Disorder. But when the sun shines on a colorful fall landscape, my soul sings! Yesterday I put bird seed in our backyard feeder and this morning had the pleasure of watching our winged friends excitedly having breakfast. They had to take turns, as only about 4 could eat at a time, and there were regular but short-lived squabbles.

Earlier in the fall I had created a breakfast nook in my kitchen so that I could have a view into my backyard. The breakfast nook was a typical feature of the Craftsman Era. But with my kitchen having been remodeled by a previous owner, I don't know if my house ever had one. I moved a butcher block cart on wheels to the middle of the kitchen, so we now have an island. In its previous corner space under two windows, I placed a small, wooden table and two iron chairs. The first thing Beezy did this morning was to work on her cross stitch sampler at this table. Our library has had ongoing Little House on the Prairie programs all year, and on Tuesday they began this needlework project.

Also this fall Beezy asked if I knew where her nature journal was, which we started in the spring but did not work on much. Luckily I knew its exact location, and she has been drawing in it daily. She has always preferred to sprawl out on the kitchen floor to do her artwork, and this is where she has been working on her journal this morning. She drew a penguin (we recently watched "Mr. Popper's Penguins" on DVD) and a bird nest in a tree. Sometimes she draws things from our yard, but most often from her imagination. Occasionally she will draw from a picture. Her friends have been very interested in this nature journal and have wanted to draw in it too, but Beezy is reluctant to give up too many pages! Her drawing skills have developed dramatically since beginning this self-initiated practice. I usually write the nature journal into the natural science category of my plan book, but it also doubles as art.

Even though Beezy is sick today, she has already begun "school" on her own by doing her cross stitching and nature pictures. We will keep it simple today. Perhaps I will have her read quietly to herself, and I will read from a couple of books to her, letting her off the hook for narration this time. We have a movie to watch called "Red Dog", and maybe there will be something of educational value in this as well!

Facebook Group Management

I am an administrator and member of several Facebook (FB) groups, and just as laying down some policies for managing a blog is helpful to both writers and readers, it seems that solid suggestions for the administration and membership of Facebook groups is similarly needed. My intention is simply that my personal experiences and individual philosophy might be of good use to others; take what you like and leave the rest. Anyone who has been on Facebook for enough time knows that it is a double-edged sword. It's great to be able to find old friends as well as keep in contact with those who may be far away. It can be a tool for any type of outreach, from evangelization to promoting a business. One can find useful information and enjoy a forum for self-expression and the exchange of opinions. Then there is the flip side.

Facebook is, by definition, a social network. And as with any social group, the potential exists for drama, chaos, darkness, and confusion. How do we navigate this road? Sometimes the negativity can be enough to drive a person to throw up her hands and just get the bloody hell off the crazy highway. But then you may miss out on the fun and positive opportunities that the social network affords. I think it is first of all important to differentiate between one's personal space, called the "wall", and a group forum.

Your wall is like a bulletin board in your own home. You can post pictures, personal information, website links, and any type of comment you see fit. People often consider FB to be a specifically public forum, when in fact it has a stronger element of privacy. You can friend or unfriend whoever you want, you can restrict what can be seen or posted to your wall using a variety of settings, and you are free to add or delete your wall content exclusively at your own discretion. No one should feel that he has the "right" to post whatever he wants to the wall of another person and expect that it will remain on display.

A Facebook group, on the other hand, is more like a community bulletin board. An individual may start a group, but the dynamics are entirely different from a singular person's wall. I have found that regardless of one's initial intentions in beginning a group, there will be varying interpretations of what content does or does not belong in the group. Some groups I belong to have been drama free, and I have never felt the need to delete a comment as the administrator. Other groups in which I participate have been filled with everything from minor drama and disagreements to hostility and nearly warlike behavior. Regardless of who started the group, it becomes to an extent community property, and nobody wants to feel compelled to post a "snark alert". Here are some guidelines I have determined which can alleviate much unnecessary confusion:

1. Name your group to reflect your intentions as accurately as possible. You may think that a name such as "Growing Up in Farmtown" is self-explanatory, but believe me, it is not. Using this as an example, we can first of all consider that there may be more than one Farmtown in the USA, so you will want to designate the state (or country) to  which you are referring. And right away there is a problem with the phrase "growing up". Do you mean to point to those who grew up in Farmtown in the past alone, or are you including those currently growing up in Farmtown? The name of your group will not be able to say it all. This leads to the next point.

2. Articulate the description of your group and its purpose as specifically and concisely as possible. A group with a very vague description, or worse, none at all, will open you up to chaos. For example, the "Growing Up in Farmtown" group description might say, "When I was growing up in Farmtown I liked the ice cream parlor." Okay, fine, but that is not a proper delineation of one's purpose. That would more likely be the type of comment a member might leave, and then others would join in with places they fondly recall. A better description would be, "A place to connect with friends from Farmtown, Ohio, both old and new, and to share memories and events of local interest". You might also request the posting of pictures, stories, ads for local businesses, current events, and cultural activities in the area, both past and present. Custom design your description to best reflect the desired personality and content of the group.

3. Understand that there will be varying opinions on what content is appropriate to the group, despite the name and description, so set policies accordingly. For example, you may create a group for Christian Polo Players. You may not, however, anticipate members that are, say, Jehovah's Witnesses, who may consider themselves to be Christian, while you do not. You may want to create a policy of interviewing potential members before adding them to the group, to avoid spam and screen more specifically who you want your members to be.

4. Avoid unnecessary censorship. The nature of your group and its dynamics will depend upon many factors, such as the size of the group and the education, socio-economic background, ethnicity, religion, age, etc... of its members. You should expect conflicting opinions and ideas about what is appropriate to share. As long as comments are generally relevant to the group and are polite and respectful, then allow conversations to flow as they will. It is fine for an administrator to politely interject a concern or to re-establish his intentions for the group. That is where having a solid description reference is vital.

5. As a group member or administrator, respect diversity and organic growth. For example, those who grew up in Farmtown in the 60s most likely had a much different experience than those growing up in the 90s. Reflecting on the past will undoubtedly invite comparisons to the present. Some people will have only rosy memories to share, while others will want to complain. National politics may not be relevant at all, while local politics certainly might. Discretion should definitely be used regarding topic choices. But if a woman just opened a bakery in Farmtown, for example, and she wants to invite the community, it would be rude for another member to insert that they only want to hear about the "good old days". The more the administrators stay neutral and objective, the better for a democratic, welcoming, inclusive group, one where members feel safe to visit and be themselves.

6. Always avoid personal attacks. You may want to vent about your next door neighbor's annoying dog, but doing so by naming names and calling him a no-good-so-and-so would not be appropriate in the Farmtown group or any group. On the other hand, posting the facts about local police corruption might be, as it could affect the community as a whole. Likewise, the Christian Polo Players should not condemn a particular church's teachings or call one of their players a dirty cheater, but lively discussions about theology should be expected to occur. If you do find that a comment must be removed, have the courtesy to notify that member before doing so, and explain your reasons. And better yet, first allow him the opportunity to defend his choice as relevant and appropriate.

7. Update your group's name, policies, and description as needed. Understand that the group will evolve and change over time. If it goes in a direction quite unlike your original intentions, re-evaluate what you want the group to be and and make the pertinent alterations. Any social group is always a work in progress.

Finally, keep in mind always that there are real, living human beings communicating online. There is no reason that peace and goodwill should not be extended to all. Give the commenter the benefit of the doubt. It is impossible to get a completely accurate feeling of the intentions of someone whose voice you cannot hear and whose facial expressions and body language you cannot see. Err on the side of charity. Isn't there enough bloodshed in the world? If you must fight, fight the good fight, and keep it clean!