Soul Searching

A situation occurred in one of my Facebook groups which required me to reactivate. I'll reflect on that in a moment. One good thing about being back "on" was that a friend had been looking for me, and we had a nice chat. She relayed how she had struggled with Facebook herself and found a solution by unfollowing most of her friends. So there is another suggestion for simplifying the process. You can still be active on social media, but you can take control of what you see. I don't personally know this awesome woman, but she is a fellow Catholic, and she told me that she has been doing a lot of soul searching. I'm right there with her.

Pope Francis is visiting the United States right now for the first time in his life. And this morning he addressed a joint session of Congress, the first pope in history ever to do so. I was in my car trying to catch his speech on the radio, but the reception wasn't great, and combined with his accent, he was difficult to understand. I'm certain it will be available to listen to or watch another time. I decided to focus as much as I could on Francis' voice, on his tone, even more than on what he was actually saying. I noticed how slowly he spoke, with such care. And although they were supposed to hold their applause, his audience members could not contain themselves. From what I heard afterward, politicians from both sides of the aisle were very moved. Francis wants America to become a land of dreams once again.

Indeed. My country seems a long way from the land of the free and the home of the brave that she once was. The small town I live in provides little opportunity for gainful employment. Many empty store fronts line its main street. People here are very brave. They try to get a restaurant, or a boutique, or an arts center going. It's discouraging to see these efforts take off, then struggle, then ultimately fail. And some people are very, very sensitive to any criticism of the village. How can we form a vision for where we wish the community to go if we refuse to see the truth? The run down houses, the drunks, the meth labs, the abused and neglected children, the profanity heard loudly on the streets. The pope sees all of it and shines a spotlight on the stark realities.

So the moderator I put in charge of one of my groups while I was taking a hiatus from Facebook voiced a concern regarding two girls she personally knew who had broken an arm during recess at school, both within a week. This was in fact the third girl she knew that this had happened to at the same school, and while the discussion was going on, she found out about two more broken bone incidents since the last two. One happened on the way to school, and the other occurred while a child was playing near the school on the weekend. While my friend acknowledged that these events could certainly all have been a bad luck coincidence, it seemed very odd in such a small town. She wanted to know if others might have some insight into the situation.

This moderator simply questioned whether the recess accidents might have occurred due to insufficient supervision. She also shared her experience as a teacher. Most group members were polite, but a couple attacked her and accused her of bashing the school. Absolutely no one consented that it was even a remote possibility that the kids aren't being watched well enough on the playground.

This is a little thing compared to abortion, war, terrorism, and hunger, but bear with me. These angry folks want to censor others who say anything they don't like. They jump all over anyone who brings a problem into focus. I won't allow the censorship. I won't allow bullying. And even if not a single soul sees things one person's way, that doesn't mean that person is wrong. It isn't wrong to question, to be concerned, to hold our public servants accountable. It's perfectly okay, and even necessary, to keep a watch on those local institutions to which our taxpayer dollars go. If we can't be realistic about one little town, if we can't have civilized conversations and disagreements on social media, if all we want is to have perfume blown up our you-know-whats, then how on earth can we be effective as a citizenry when it comes to monumental national issues?

People don't want honesty and sincerity anymore, unless you are singing a Snow White happy song surrounded by turtledoves. But the Christian Faith is the narrow road. It ain't gonna make you popular to sound your horn of justice. To say, hey look, there's an ogre living next door who tears babies apart and eats them for breakfast! (And sells the leftovers for profit.)

I was amazed that during the recent GOP debate, the topic of education was not addressed at all, except for a brief mention by one candidate, in a tone of disdain, that another was a fan of Common Core. The unconstitutional, federal Department of Education and its liberty robbing agenda needs to be faced like a fearless bullfighter against a brutal beast. I hope the next president has a red cape and a spine to drape it across.

Expect me to be even more frank than usual. My soul is melancholy. My heart hurts. The evil in the world is overwhelming. Jesus didn't pussy foot around. He was kind, healing, humble, loving, and compassionate. He also turned over the market tables in the Temple. He broke man's laws when they were not in harmony with God's. He did not mince words or endeavor to be politically correct or falsely diplomatic. His own hometown people tried to throw him off a cliff. Luckily I live in a very flat land.

Contemplative Prayer & Lectio Divina

http://www.beliefnet.com/Faiths/Catholic/2000/08/How-To-Practice-Lectio-Divina.aspx

This link provides a step by step method for practicing lectio divina. In this post I'd like to continue the conversation regarding the married contemplative vocation. Prayer is at the heart of Christian contemplative practice. On my journey to the Catholic faith, I discovered this idea of praying the scriptures. Last year, as Advent was upon us, I asked a Catholic friend what we do especially in this season as we prepare for Christmas. She told me that the Church provides a booklet of daily readings. These little books for particular seasons in the liturgical year give interesting information on Church history on one side, and on the facing page a verse from Sacred Scripture with a reflection.

The practice of praying the scriptures is much different than the more well-known study of the Bible. Verses are not chosen as proof texts to back up one's particular beliefs, or for memorization. It is not done to explore a religious theme or to gain scholarly knowledge, though any of these things may be an indirect result. Rather, lectio divina is a direct communication with God through the Word of God. My understanding is that one opens oneself to the divine Wisdom of the Holy Spirit. The passage is meditated upon, and perhaps a particular sentence will stand out. This is a personal message to carry throughout the day, so certainly it might be memorized as you repeat it over and over again. I am often inspired to journal my response as part of the process. Lectio divina allows a space for private revelation, which if it is truly from God, will not contradict the teachings of the Church. This interior experience of the divine through Sacred Scripture is then followed by spontaneous prayer.

The Rosary is the contemplative prayer par excellence. It was through the Rosary that I not only developed a personal relationship with Mary, but was led to a renewed relationship with Jesus. I felt a little uncomfortable in the presence of my Lord, understanding him with a greater reverence as I experienced the fullness of the Christian faith in Catholicism. Coming before him in the Rosary was facilitated through the maternal intersession of his Blessed Mother. Now I saw Jesus' life through the eyes of Mary, and my faith deepened with each encounter of the Mysteries, which are the stories of his birth and childhood, his saving mission, and his death and resurrection. When I was initially learning to pray the Rosary, I would read the entire Bible passage related to each Mystery, until I knew the story by heart. I still revisit those stories to keep them fresh in my mind, and I always use at least one piece of scripture for each meditation.

As a Protestant I had known Jesus as a friend and a savior, but not as Lord and King. I did not have the awe proper and necessary to worship of him. I was penitent in having been away from him for so long, and in treating him more like a genie that grants my wishes and solves my problems than with the honor that he deserves. That is not necessarily the fault of the Protestant churches I attended; it is simply my experience.

Another traditionally Catholic type of prayer is the Novena, a prayer said for 9 consecutive days, which may invoke the help of God directly (ie. Jesus, the Father, or the Holy Spirit) or through the intercession of Mary or one of the saints. Novenas often reflect a particular devotion, such as praying to Our Lady of Consolation in a time of great sorrow. If I am remembering correctly, the tradition of 9 days comes from the story of Pentecost in the Book of Acts, when St. Peter led 120 disciples of Jesus in prayer for 9 days, leading up to the coming of the Holy Spirit.

Having all of these modes of prayer available to me has enriched my prayer life inestimably. I have never before been such a prayerful, scripture reading person. Prayer is centering and comforting, it can be meditative, and it is ultimately transforming. Prayer defines relationship with God. There is no one, right way to pray, and in the Catholic Church I have found mediated such gifts and blessings as go beyond words. For those moments when I don't have the words, I can rely upon Sacred Scripture and those prayers of holy people of God whose inspiration echoes throughout the ages.

Mary and Martha

The homily I heard at Mass yesterday brought tears to my eyes. Father just hit the nail on the head so many times. The gospel reading was the familiar story of Mary and Martha. Jesus is a guest in their home in Bethany. Martha is bustling around, preparing dinner and making things ready, while her sister is simply sitting at the feet of Jesus. It was this Mary that I was thinking of when I decided that I needed to take time to cease studying and preparing for homeschooling, and just pray. Martha wants Jesus to make Mary help her, and she is resentful of having to do all the work alone. Jesus tells Martha that Mary has chosen the better part, and he will not take it from her.

This story seems like a simple admonition to get our priorities straight, to put Jesus first. Yet Father went deeper and said something I had never thought about. What this story also illustrates is a role revearsal; here we see that Jesus has become the host. Mary and Martha's house belonged to Jesus, and today my home belongs to Jesus. If I let him be the host, then I know what I need to be doing. I can sit at his feet first, and from there I will know better how to serve him.

Father talked about hospitality. Do our modern devices--television, cell phone, computer, etc... own us? Are we really just using them as helpful tools, or do they rule our lives? How many times has my own child wanted to talk to me, and she had to wait while I finished reading something, or typing a blog, or checking Facebook? Right now she is at a mini summer camp, so I can write without distraction. And before she went, I resisted turning on the computer right away and had my coffee with her while she ate breakfast. Now I need to work on praying first before I turn on the computer or do housework or anything else as well!

What I have been doing lately is observing our habits. How can I improve my own, and then how can I help my child (and my husband) develop better habits? If children are used to doing certain things as a matter of course, then I think there would be less resistance when it is time for bed, or to put toys away, or to take their dishes to the sink after a meal. Yes, it takes diligence on the part of a parent to provide the necessary repetition to instill good habits, but the positive results of less work later, and having self-disciplined children, seem to me to be well worth the trade off. But first we must be willing to role model the good habits we would like to see! Keeping in mind that just because a child sees us making our bed does not mean that eventually she will be inspired to make her own. Our job is to follow through with our children.

Father's message at church was one of hospitality--"mi casa es su casa"--my house is your house. We need to row the boat using both oars, the oar of work and the oar of prayer. We must find balance in our lives. I want my house to belong to Jesus. If I let him serve me, then I can serve him, and serving him means serving my family well. Balance also means not allowing crazy-making into my life. One person misinterprets something, and someone else reacts irrationally to it, and next thing I know I am thrown off course. The devil does his work too well. I need to do mine better. The only solution is to go to God in prayer and to his word. Over and over again until that is my habit.

When I look at my family today, I see people who are imperfect but who are happy, healthy, and thriving. I see solid relationships. I also see too much dog hair on the floor, but that's okay. Today I will sweep it up. No one has a right to come into your home and steal your joy or rob you of your precious time, whether that is literally or via the technology we too often idolize. And if my home is Jesus' home, how can I be served by him and serve him if I am worrying over the crazy-makers? How much am I willing to let into my home-haven? How much are you?

Truth.

Jesus then said to the Jews who had believed in him, "If you continue in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free."  (John 8: 31,32)

This past week, what message did I receive when I prayed over my homeschool? The message I got was peace in my heart. Even when I also got an unexpected shock. A high profile, radical unschooling advocate whom I have admired is involved in a tremendous scandal. I learned of something being amiss directly from her, because I subscribe to her blog. Her post was vague, and I was worried. Someone had made accusations of unprofessional and destructive behavior on another blog, and only God knows what is true. By her own admission, the unschooling guru had failed to practice what she preached, and her world was crumbling. The story has all the classic drama of a soap opera:  alcohol abuse, marital infidelity, lies, financial deception, emotional manipulation, domestic violence, a nervous breakdown, and devastated children.

Wow, my life is so normal! It was almost eerie, after what I wrote about the cultish elements of unschooling and its gurus, and I wasn't even thinking specifically of this person, though I was thinking of the FB group she moderates. What do these events mean to me? I think I was a bit starstruck by this woman, and though I didn't have her on a pedestal, the experience brings home the warning that we really need to avoid making anything, whether a person or a homeschooling method, or even homeschooling itself, an idol. Sure, we can be inspired by others, by our friends, or a beloved relative, or an author whose words resonate with us. But if we are not looking to God first, every single day, then when our hero falls, we will feel the earth tremble.

So much of what I have witnessed in the radical unschooling community is profoundly dysfunctional, and this episode takes the cake. But I don't know that unschoolers are any more dysfunctional than society in general. The fall from grace of one guru doesn't necessarily discredit unschooling itself. Yet if I had a dime for every unschooler, Christian or otherwise, who mentioned or quoted John Holt (and they definitely reference him over Jesus, the Church, or the saints), I would have a fat piggy bank. And John Holt is dead. The unschooling movement as it exists today was built on a secular guru, and when he was gone, others picked up his crown. But certain radical unschooling advocates actually made it a religion. Just consider that for a moment.

The question here is whether there is intrinsic to unschooling philosophy something that tends toward dysfunction and is antithetical to Christianity. And not only that. Is radical unschooling a cult complete with fear mongering, shaming, and the brainwashing of parents? If I had to boil radical unschooling down to one definition that seems true across the board, it would be this:  the insistence upon children to be primarily responsible for their own education and upbringing. Does this reflect the word of Jesus? You answer the truth for yourself.

Rules.

Every May I go on a weekend long dance retreat in Loveland, OH. When I returned from my annual trip last month, Beezy informed me with a big smile that she and her dad had broken all of my rules while I was gone. Rules? I have rules? I was not aware of this. I don't think that "strict" is an adjective people would generally apply to me. So I was very curious to know what were these rules that it was apparently such a joy to break! There were only two mentioned--Beezy slept in my space on the bed, and she and her dad wrestled at bedtime. I disapprove of rough-housing right before bed, as Beezy usually has a hard time falling asleep as it is. Yep, I'm hard core all right! Nearly a bastion of rules.

I do have rules about no running in the house, and if friends come to play, they are required to help clean up before they leave. But mostly we just naturally run on principles, and any rules follow from those. Maybe this is because of my Montessori background. I believe that children should know the reasons behind any restrictions. Only this way can interior motivation to do the right thing exist. Arbitrarily imposed rules set only for the convenience of adults don't fulfill that ultimate goal. Because I'm the adult and I said so... What does this teach? Children learn that if they want power, they have to be bossy, even bullies, to get it.

Increasingly I am aware of the nature of conflicts with others over my parenting style. We are coming from an entirely different paradigm. For example, when Beezy hit someone, I would talk to her about how that makes the other person feel, and that we don't want to hurt people, and that when we do, we make amends. I would also seek to understand the reason, the need underlying the behavior. The mainstream response would be to belittle and punish, to think badly of the child, and by extension, the parents. What are those people doing wrong in raising their child, that she would hit someone? One thing that has always stuck with me was the teaching of my Montessori training, that these children have only lived on this earth for three or four or six years. They have not had the time and experience that adults have had to learn to control such impulses and to find better ways to communicate their needs.

Even among adults, instances of throwing things, hitting, cursing, and screaming are not rare. For a child, the impulse to kick, hit, yell, or throw something comes quite naturally. What good can come from punishment with more of the same? Or even the shaming of a time out or taking away a toy? Children begin to believe that they are "bad," and people who think they are bad often do very bad things. We witness constantly a gross lack of empathy in the world. A complete disconnect from the idea of putting oneself into the shoes of another, and trying to understand. If empathy is not role modeled for children, and is withheld from them, how can they learn it?

Jesus admonishes us to become like children if we want to get to heaven. I think he is asking us to put ourselves into their smaller shoes, to see His light shining in their eyes. Too often adults do not take the time to observe what is really going on with a child. We take the easy way out. The lazy way. When Beezy is all grown up, I want to be able to echo the poetic words of Robert Frost: But I, I took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.

Catholic Natural Learning

Having established that I could be a radical unschooler, I have decided that this is not the best fit for my family. I have learned so much from all of the reading, talking, writing, praying, and even sometimes obsessing (who, me?) about unschooling since February. I do believe that the Spirit is leading me toward a gentler approach to parenting and homeschooling. Mostly, I think I am being called to more fully engage life. To follow passions and make relationships a top priority. To avoid doing things because I should. To experience more joy.

Those things of which I have written about unschooling that resonate with me are the same ideas that attracted me to Montessori and Charlotte Mason. Many adults that I personally know are disrespectful toward children. I am guilty too, and this is the biggest thing that I want to change. Following my natural rhythms, and giving my child the opportunity to discover hers--this is important. But freedom without limits is nonsense.

The Virgin Mary is my role model exemplar as a wife, mother, and disciple of Jesus. With her guidance, intercession, blessings, grace, and protection, I cannot fail. She knows best the will of Jesus for my life. Jesus and Mary know what is best for my family, and I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit has and will continue to light my way.

All along I have defined Catholic unschooling as a uniting of the Faith, life, and learning into a seamless whole. How that is accomplished will be unique to each family. The concern I have is that "unschooling" is the negation of school. It is "not school". That doesn't give me something solid to embrace. If unschoolers are living as if school does not exist, why use the word school in the description at all? Life learning, natural learning, and organic learning are some examples of a worldview similar to unschooling, but without the baggage. Without the rigidity of "thou shall nots".

So I am taking a break from books and internet searches on the subject of unschooling. I have done my studying, and it is time to get back to making the Catholic faith the center of day-to-day living. I think I'll ditch coffee while I'm at it. Unschooling has given me the permission to free myself and my family from unnecessary shackles. Jesus said, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." I owe unschooling a debt of gratitude, for it led me to my "little way of the fleur de lis".  My home is a domestic church, and our educational lifestyle is Catholic Natural Learning.

Homeschooling's Little Way of Love

On St. Therese of Lisieux, from Wikipedia:

In her quest for sanctity, she believed that it was not necessary to accomplish heroic acts, or great deeds, in order to attain holiness and to express her love of God. She wrote,

Love proves itself by deeds, so how am I to show my love? Great deeds are forbidden me. The only way I can prove my love is by scattering flowers, and these flowers are every little sacrifice, every glance and word, and the doing of the least actions for love. 

 Therese in July, 1896

St. Therese's "little way" was the pursuit of sainthood through simplicity in an everyday life of love and in doing the will of God in the smallest of tasks.  Hers was a way of gentleness and the belief in the prevalence of the mercy and forgiveness of Jesus. How can the homeschooling mother emulate the saint's little way? First of all, by grace, by centering one's life on the love of God and the practice of the Catholic faith. We are models for our children of Jesus and the Virgin Mary, practicing patience and virtue in all things; and when we make mistakes, we make amends. We allow our children to be imperfectly themselves as well, and forgive them, bless them, and comfort them. We have self-discipline, and we model this virtue to our children. We correct them gently, being firm but never harsh, not allowing our anger and frustration to turn into severe and humiliating punishment. 

There was a Montessori teacher by the name of Pen, and when you walked into her classroom, it seemed as though a magic spell had come over the children. Pen's eyes were everywhere, but you would not hear her voice, so soft spoken was she, whispering into the ears of children who worked quietly and with intense concentration. They were not sitting at desks, listening to her droning attempts to cram their minds with facts and figures. She gave lessons to individual children and small groups, while the rest pursued activities of their own choosing, whether on a floor space designated by a rug, at an easel, or sitting at tables in chairs. How did this petite Asian woman exercise such control of her classroom without speaking above a whisper? Her authority was in her demeanor, the look in her eyes, the tone of her low voice. Her quiet grace was contagious. 

Pen is an example of a true artist at work. Are we mothers required to be any less?

Catholicism in Regard to Unschooling

John Holt's books, such as How Children Fail and How Children Learn, were among the first books I read in consideration of the idea of homeschooling, and these writings were certainly inspiring. It did, however, cross my mind that because he was never a parent, Holt's qualifications in regard to speaking on home education were limited by virtue of that fact. Parents' responsibilities to their children were not something he could really know on a personal level. Also, I don't remember any indication that he was a man of faith or that he considered that religious parents would have a responsibility to raise children in their faith; that is, to teach children in the realm of religion.

The Catholic Church makes it clear that failing to actively teach children is not an option, and I am Catholic, so there are certain things that I am obligated to teach my child. I imagine that other Christians and people of faith believe the same way. This is the problem with Catholics using the term unschooling that Holly Pierlot brings up in her blog, "A Mother's Rule of Life". She acknowledges that what Catholic "unschoolers" usually mean by unschooling is de-institutionalizing home education, but that what John Holt really means is anti-teaching. (See the initial question and comments at http://www.mothersruleoflife.com/2011/05/unschooling-catholic-education.html.)  Holly explains,

"There is a distinction between John Holt's unschooling and what Catholic families are doing to de-institutionalize their homeschools. I fear that if the term 'unschooling' is used throughout the Catholic books, and given what I know unschooling 'really is', I'd have to fight my strong reactions again...

To me, the Catholic home educator's use of Holt's term is really unfortunate, because the bottom line is Holt means anti-teaching, not anti-schools, and I really really wish Catholics would not use the term... but I guess that is wishful thinking now that it's becoming 'popular'.

Let's put it this way - if any family sets out to 'teach' via books, or instruction or stories or witness or words or lived experiences etc etc (meaning, that the 'method' one uses is geared to the unique needs and talents of the parents and the children and is not tied to traditional text/instruction methods), then this has its benefits. I imagine this is the way 'unschooling' - meaning de-institutionalized methods - is being intended by Catholic families.

However, if one decides to adopt 'unschooling' in the sense Holt uses it- that the parent really doesn't interfere with the child's process- then it's really totally unacceptable to the mission of Catholic parental education. In fact, it contradicts the parental vocation.

Keep this distinction in mind, and it might help clarify which resources to read. But watch out when reading secular unschooling resources, because they probably mean the latter, not the former, definition."

That throws another wrench into the whole thing, now doesn't it?  At the same time, I am so grateful to the Church, as usual, that she clarifies the Truth for me, that there is a higher authority than my own thoughts, opinions, inclinations, etc... There is the authority given by Jesus to his Church, which is guided by the Holy Spirit, and I can rely on that as my touchstone for everything else in life, for every decision of every single day. Perhaps "relaxed Catholic home-based learning" or "Charlotte Mason Catholic home education" would better serve my purposes than using the secular term, unschooling. How we name things is important, because concepts, methods, and belief systems lie behind the name, but in practice it is also pivotal to create a particular atmosphere and attitude toward education that does not separate learning from the rest of life. Life is learning and learning is life, regardless of exactly what style I choose to call my homeschooling. Style without substance is shallow, and every child deserves a deep, meaningful education for life.

Unapologetically Me

Sometimes I just want to write without reservation, without a plan, about whatever is on my mind. But that's what a diary is for, and I give a high priority to making my blog writing professional. Yet I often feel like I have to hold back. To word things just so. Who might be offended? Will I put some readers off if I talk about this or that, if I give my opinion too forcefully, if I am too passionate? My best friend would say, to hell with it. She really doesn't generally care what other people think of her, and therefore, she can be herself. I admire that. But "they" say that you can only recognize a quality in another human being if you possess it yourself. It's in my nature to be fearless, but I am also sensitive. We can be kind and still be frank and real. So I'm gonna be fearlessly honest and frankly kind from now on.

Today I went to a kids' Christmas party at a neighbor's house, and two grandmothers were there. One of them told the other that she always knew it would be great to be a grandma; what she didn't anticipate was what a joy it is to see her own children being parents. The other agreed, and it was obvious that they are both so proud of the mothering job their daughters are doing. Lucky daughters these, whose mothers look at them with an admiring rather than a critical eye, as so often seems to be the case. In reality it is likely that they have not approved of every little thing. Surely some negative thoughts must occasionally surface. Their conversation struck me profoundly for some reason, perhaps because I had never heard such sentiments about grandparenting expressed in that way, and I hoped that they openly shared them with their children, not just with other people. I think I was meant to overhear this conversation for a reason, and I want to file this away so I can give that sort of cheerleading to my own daughter when she becomes a mother. It was also like a little light in the dark tunnel I was experiencing in the wake of the Sandy Hook school shooting.

My sister called me on the day of that massacre in Newtown, Connecticut. Her sadness mirrored mine, which was somehow comforting. She told me that she is glad Beezy is homeschooled. This did my broken heart good that day. Some people might scorn homeschooling as overprotective. You can't protect your children from everything, they say. They're going to be exposed to the horrors and bad influence of the world eventually, they admonish. But it is an absolute fact that not having your child in school will protect him from a school shooting. I read in a Catholic homeschooling blog today that the Rose Lima Catholic Church in Newtown has received bomb threats. The blogger's brother is the priest there, Father Luke. What is the meaning of this? Is it anti-Catholicism? Is it just more insane behavior with no rhyme nor reason? The sheer magnitude of hate and evil is overwhelming.

I don't talk much about my Catholic religion on this blog, because I write about it elsewhere. But I can't separate it from the rest of my life. It informs my homeschooling, my natural family living, my response to tragedy, my relationships. There is nothing not touched by it. So why should I keep it under wraps? Who might be offended? Today I don't care. The truth is, I would have been a bloody mess on that terrible Friday if it wasn't for my Catholic faith. I picked up my rosary and immediately began to pray. I have only been Catholic for about a year, and not even officially so until Easter, when I will take my First Communion. This is the sacrament of the Eucharist, the Real Presence of the body and blood of Jesus in the transubstantiated bread and wine. I love my Lord, and he is the one who said this is true. And I love his Mother, the Blessed Virgin Mary. I would not have gotten through so many moments of heartbreak and feelings of hopelessness if it weren't for her intercession. I understood more fully than ever, when the news of the horror at Sandy Hook Elementary broke, why Jesus gave her to us from the cross.

So that's what I have to say today, in all its randomness. Life is too short to apologize for who we are, and if someone can't handle my joy, my sorrow, or my unapologetic opinion, life is also too short to spend it explaining myself.

On Cleanliness & Godliness

I just mopped my kitchen floor. And it was dirty. Brown-water, sinfully dirty. Brackish as the marshlands. I have noticed that I regularly tell Beezy not to play on the dirty floor. Sometimes this is because we are going somewhere soon, and I want her clothing to look presentable. But other times, the dirt is so visible as to be a living entity which might gather her up and blow her out the door...

That saying, "Cleanliness is next to Godliness"--I often wondered, as I lived in an embarrassingly messy apartment, what did it mean? Did it have something to do with how often one bathed, or did it refer to purity of mind? Or could it--please Lord, no--have to do with the state of one's housekeeping? If a tidy home equaled a beautiful soul, then mine was as dark as the filth I rinsed from my mop this evening.

Eventually I had read enough self-help books to concede that the state of one's environment surely had an effect upon one's peace of mind--or lack thereof--and vice versa. The feng shui theories of clearing blocked energy via proper placement of furniture and decorative elements, reducing clutter, and keeping one's living quarters clean became commonly accepted wisdom. I lived alone until I was 33, so there was no one else in my apartment to blame for the chaos, unless you counted the cat. And I certainly felt better when I cleared the debris. I could think. I could breathe.

It doesn't matter, really, whether we live alone or with five children and a husband. My neighbor has 4 kids under the age of five, yet you can drop in any time and find her home always immaculate. What is the meaning of this madness? In two words: good habits. It isn't about whether you are married or single, childless or running a mini zoo. You either have good habits or you don't. I don't. Today I break free of my denial! If I were truly holy, would my house be cleaner? Am I not holy enough because I can't keep it all under control?

Before we get carried away, let's just take the first step of awareness. While there is certainly room for improvement, I have in reality made a great deal of progress. I think that at one time I had a mild hoarding disorder. I wouldn't have gotten on "reality" television for it, but I had definite anxieties about throwing anything away (and this was before the days of recycling). I no longer have a hoarding disorder, though I will balk if my husband tries to force me to go through an entire stack of papers and decide in a split second whether each item should stay or go. I still need the time to make sure. Besides, we don't want to be too much Martha and not enough Mary. You know, the sisters of Lazarus in Bethany that Jesus visited. He told Martha that Mary took the better part by sitting at his feet when she was fussing about doing all the work. Perhaps holiness is only one part cleanliness and two parts prayer and contemplation.

Saints Mary and Martha with Jesus

My home is probably six times bigger than my old apartment when I was single, and now I have a husband, child and dog. And by and large, things are cleaner and less cluttered. This is a huge accomplishment, and of course I have a lot of help from my husband. While it is a constant, repetitive battle, I do believe it is our sacred duty to instill good habits in our children. This is a gift we can give them that will serve them for their entire lives. Some day, perhaps, Beezy will be mopping her own kitchen floor, and the water will be a mere light gray.

New Year's Day

I really feel, in an intuitive, soulful way, that 2012 will be a pivotal year. Not just for me, but for the direction of humanity and all of creation. We are teetering on the edge of spiritual transformation, and I imagine it is going to be a very bumpy ride. I don't think we've seen anything yet! To prepare, we need to shore up spiritual strength and emotional energy, as well as care for our bodies, and by extension, for all sentient beings. Let's declare this the Year of Mother Earth!

"We are all walking a path of initiation, and we all have a choice. We can either keep going on a treadmill of failing our tests--perhaps getting irritated or angry at the circumstances of life--or we can determine to pass these tests and move on with our spiritual development. We can get off the treadmill and begin hiking up a mountain." - Elizabeth Clare Prophet

I think what Prophet is saying here is that it's time to wake up, grow up, and step up. She speaks of the things we need to let go of, those conditions in our psychological being that prevent us from being whole. She suggests that we need to "raise the Mother flame" and "walk the path in beauty." How do we restore the soul back to balance and wholeness? What is needed is a radical reorientation. Recently when something someone said set me off, making me angry, frustrated, and hurt, destroying my serenity, I did not blame the other person, but wondered what, exactly, happened inside of me. Rather than kick myself for getting thrown out of balance, I centered myself with meditative breathing, read an inspiring article in Yoga Journal magazine, talked to my husband, and lit a candle on my fireplace alter, gazing at images of Mary and Jesus.

There is every connection between war, poverty, misogyny, ecological devastation, natural disasters, divorce, rape, child abuse, and all manner of violence and sorrow. The sacred feminine has been rejected and subverted for thousands of years, but consciousness has been rising and people are growing in Wisdom, understanding that for mass change to occur, each must "let it begin with me." We all have so much more than we need. Too many cars, clothes, toys, too much food that doesn't nourish us, many superficial relationships and too few sustaining ones. "Oh the noise, noise, noise, noise, noise!!" (the Grinch).

Clean the house, clear the clutter. I am talking literally and metaphorically. Really think about what you eat, what you say, what you think, what you do. In Kundalini yoga terms, we need to raise the light of the Divine Mother from the base of the spine to connect with the light of the Father in the crown. Prophet says, "When these two unite in the heart chakra, we give birth to the Christ consciousness."

The problem I see is that some of the major world religions are functioning without that Divine Mother, with no image of the sacred feminine. For me, this is Mary, mother of Jesus and all children of God. Neither women nor men--and subsequently our children--will be whole until we restore our reverence for the sacred feminine, honoring the Wisdom and Beauty of women, and beholding God in the Earth herself. She is in the wind, the trees, the moon, and the pull of the tides. "Behold your Mother." --the words of Jesus from the cross.