The Spiritual Art of Detachment | Triggered by the Masks

I first learned about detachment as a member of the Al-Anon 12 Step groups for friends and family of alcoholics. I was an active member for 10 years, and the topic of detachment came up frequently. The principles and practices of Alcoholics Anonymous are based upon traditional Christianity, though the organization and its affiliates are autonomous groups with no religious affiliation. 

Detachment is difficult to both define and to practice. In the 12 Step groups, it's usually applied to emotionally distancing oneself from the problems and behaviors of another person. It isn't about not caring or going numb; we are supposed to feel our feelings and detach with love. 

Say, for example, that your spouse comes home drunk and passes out in the bathroom. You could lie awake for hours stewing in fear or anger, plotting the tongue lashing you're going to give him when he wakes up. Or, practicing detachment, you could check to make sure he's breathing okay, cover him up with a blanket, say a prayer, and go to sleep. You'll wait until he has sobered up to talk to him and will keep control of your own emotions and actions. 

Lately I've found that rather than needing to practice detachment with a particular person, it's the events of the outside world that are causing me anxiety, which could easily lead to obsession. Obsessive thinking, the desire for control, and an overly developed sense of responsibility are typical issues for the Al-Anon person.

I found myself worrying about people at Mass last evening, so many wearing masks, and knowing that it isn't healthy for them. I feel very disturbed with all the mask wearing, both forced and voluntary; loads of yellow caution tape in public places; and intense arguments and contradictory information in the news and on social media about COVID-19. Add to that the issues of civil unrest, murders, rapes, robbery, and destruction happening at the hands of Black Lives Matter and Antifa, and the debates surrounding all that. Top the bitter cake with the mismanagement of government officials in all of these areas, in many cases their blatant encouragement of mob rule, and we have a perfect storm of widespread insecurity and a desperate fight to preserve our safety, rights, and freedom. I will be shocked if it doesn't all rage to a volcanic explosion the likes of Pompei. 

The art of spiritual detachment seems nearly impossible to practice with the intense, prolonged, and multiple stresses we are all facing. Our own personal issues are quite enough to deal with. Adding so much extra baggage from the outside is too much of a burden for anyone. Sanity will not be possible without detachment. 

I will continue to explore detachment in subsequent posts, but for this one, I've gathered the memes to help define the concept, which is what one has to do before putting it into practice. Detachment really must begin with daily prayer and the Bible, or at least conscious contact with a "higher power." I highly recommend the Rosary. I have found that it not only calms me, but gives me clarity and stabilizes my thoughts and emotions. 

I hope you have found this helpful. Godspeed, Rita Michele

Polish.

Today I gave myself a pedicure on my balcony sanctuary. Simply having a balcony sanctuary, especially on a lovely, mild, sunny June day, should be good enough to make anyone happy. But I was in a funk today. The week started out with a bit of a traumatic experience. We were at the Renaissance Faire on Father's Day, and "Great Aunt Flo" decided to visit. Luckily I was wearing dark-colored shorts. Such a thing has not happened to me since the 7th grade! As usual, my period wiped my energy out this week, and I didn't feel like doing much. One good piece of advice I learned in Al-Anon was, "Do the next right thing."

Yesterday I did the wrong things. I drank too much coffee, ate too much sugar, and was up not feeling so well in my stomach in the middle of the night. So I began today with an oatmeal breakfast and ginger tea with honey. I would care for myself better, I vowed! I threw in a load of laundry and hand washed a belly dance top I will need tomorrow. I polished my toenails, finally having enough regrowth on the big toe where I had the nail surgically removed. I knew that feeling prettier and not wanting to hide my feet would cheer me up. I also colored my hair to cover the grays. I still really, really didn't wish to practice dancing, but I made myself while my family went to the library. I do feel better. I also helped Beezy with her 4-H dog program book, which I really had no desire to do either.

I had a choice. I could continue to feel overwhelmed and unmotivated, or I could push through the blue fog and carry on. I could take some time to read something edifying, write in my journal, eat healthy, do a little housework, talk to my husband, water my flowers, and bring some joy, even if I had to drag it by the ear, into my day. The sun is still shining as it is going down, and I have the peace of knowing that the day was not wasted. My daughter will read to me tonight, and I'll read to her, and we will say our prayers and go to sleep. Simply abundant. Life.

Replacing Fear withTrust

I finished Dayna Martin's book, Radical Unschooling: A Revolution Has Begun, this afternoon. It only took me three days to read, and I passed it on to my husband. Now I have begun to re-read Suzie Andres' A Little Way of Homeschooling: Thirteen Families Discover Catholic Unschooling. Dayna speaks of her spirituality in her book but does not mention practicing a particular religion. Yet there is a common theme running through both books, which is that of trust.  Fear of the future is something Dayna has observed in parents, and it paralyzes them from being authentic and living in the present. And of course Jesus teaches complete trust in him.

In the Al-Anon 12 Step program, FEAR is the acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real.  What assumptions do we make about education, about children and parenting, based on the mainstream ideas embedded in our culture and with which most of us grew up? The traditional model is authoritarian, revolving around obedience and punishment. Dayna Martin insists that punishment of children is never necessary. Never. That thought alone is mind-blowing.

The mother of a teenage girl recently told me that her daughter struggles in school with algebra. It's the only subject in which she does not receive an A.  So is she failing this class? No, she is getting a B.  Heaven forbid! I have heard many similar stories. The pressure on kids to be perfect is fierce. And since we are trained in school and by mainstream parenting to derive our self-worth from the rewards and punishments of others, many adults never become autonomous, never learn to think for themselves, and forever depend upon the approval of someone else. When that is the case, the logical conclusion is that we fail to put our trust in God and to rely on his guidance alone. We can't believe in ourselves, either. We are perpetually crushed by the guilt of not measuring up to others' expectations, by the fear of making a mistake. Guilty simply for trying to be ourselves, the people God created us to be. The noise is so loud we can barely hear the voice of Divine Love calling us home.

Everything must be measured in mainstream thinking. When I worked as an esthetician at a day spa, there were "secret shoppers" who came in as customers and evaluated us. We did not get paid for that service unless the secret shopper granted a score of 100%!  I thought this was an unfair practice, and I told my manager as much. When I was secretly shopped, I got a perfect score. This was because I gave my best to every customer, out of internal motivation. The employees of this salon were not trusted to do their jobs well. If the motivation of the fear of being secretly shopped and punished for not measuring up really worked, then everyone would get a 100%, but they didn't.

Not being trusted is as insulting to children as it is to adults, because children are as fully persons as grown ups are. When people close to me did not trust me to be a good homeschooling parent, I was devastated. I was still relying on others for approval, and they were still functioning under an authoritarian mindset. If people are older, they think they know better, even when you grow up and have gray hair. They were never trusted, and so they can't trust you. No wonder society is so dysfunctional!

Fear, intimidation, coercion, and punishment don't work with children, and they don't work with adults. These tactics create power struggles, rebellion, and the killing of the human spirit. Dayna Martin, Suzie Andres, and other unschooling trailblazers are forging a better way, a path to joyful living and secure families. I don't agree with every position radical unschoolers take, nor do I think Dayna would expect anyone to.  She advocates following your own intuition, respecting the differences and uniqueness of others. She preaches authenticity and peace. Isn't this exactly what our suffering world needs?

Discerning the Child's Needs

Beezy is sick and has been running a fever since Saturday. Thankfully we are going to the doctor this afternoon. It has got me to thinking about how different I can be toward my child when her needs are so clear:  cold medicine, herbal tea, saline nasal spray, tissues, good books to read to her, movies to watch, Tylenol, and lots of tender loving care. When she is ill I am gentler, more aware of what I need to do to help her.

More often I think adults react to children without taking a moment to be mindful of their underlying needs. Our culture focuses more on disciplining behaviors that are determined (often arbitrarily) to be undesirable. When a child is throwing a tantrum, or hitting someone, or running through the house, the automatic response is to punish the behavior, to scold (and therefore humiliate) the offender. My experience with Al-Anon, a support group for friends and family members of alcoholics, gives me valuable insight and a different response. This is the practice of the acronym HALT, which originated in AA. If you are feeling hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, you are to halt what you are doing and take care of that need in a healthy way, therefore lessening the chance that you will drink (or if you are the loved one of the alcoholic, before it can manifest in some other self-destructive behavior).

In a similar way, when a child is out of sorts we adults need to HALT for him. Is the child hungry, angry, lonely or tired? When Beezy was much younger, she would become overstimulated in large groups of people. Her dad and I could sense when this was happening, and we knew it was time to leave the party, street fair, or whatever crowded place we were in before she had a meltdown. Other hidden needs might be to feel included, to be paid attention to, to have some one-on-one time, to go outside and release some energy, to be comforted, to be accepted. There is always a need underlying the behavior, and the primary goal ought to be to meet that need, not to simply stop the behavior (or worse, punish the child for it). When the needs of children are discerned, the appropriate action can then be determined, which may indeed include a natural consequence such as a time out, having a toy or privilege removed, or making an apology. The adults in the situation may very well be contributing to the unacceptable behavior, and we need to take responsibility for our part in the problem. Is our own hunger, anger, loneliness, or sleep deprivation, or other problems such as grief and depression, coloring our view of the child?

There is also the issue of expectations. Not everyone has the same ideas regarding what is or is not acceptable behavior, or about what the natural consequences should be. For example, I imagine that there could be a large gap between how an unschooling parent sees and handles behavior issues, and how more traditionally minded people view them. Generation gaps, religious beliefs, and pop psychology are other possible influences. This is why observation of children is so important. This is why the adult needs to HALT before reacting to a child, before judging and making assumptions. Lording over children is disrespectful toward them. It is failing to see Christ in the child, and to me that is unacceptable behavior.

When I was in my Montessori teacher training, we actually had classes specifically on how to observe the child. We even took a field trip to the zoo to document in writing the actions of the animals in minutest detail. We did not draw conclusions; we just objectively watched and recorded what we saw. It requires more of the adult to be an intent observer, to objectively evaluate what is really going on with a child and to adequately meet her underlying needs. It is easier to blame the child, or if he isn't yours, to blame his parents or his teachers. They may be contributing to the issue, but when has blame ever solved a problem?

What I hope to gain from pursuing Catholic unschooling is a better relationship with my child; in fact, I think all of the relationships in my home will benefit from this approach to learning and life. When I become impatient or frustrated or distracted, I want to remind myself to be present in the moment, to really see my child as the amazing person and beautiful soul that she is. I want to extend the gentleness to her that I do when she is sick, at all other times.

What Time Is It?

Not too long ago I heard a wonderful sermon at a Catholic church about being a good steward of one's time. Since tomorrow is my 43rd birthday, it seems a good occasion to meditate upon what this means. The tab on the Yogi tea bag I just opened reads, "Wherever you go, go with all of your heart." Does this include going down to the basement to face a mountain of laundry? Yes, because all of life is connected. I personally fritter time away every day for the reason that I don't know where to begin. "Do the next right thing" is a popular saying in Al-Anon Family Groups. But what is the next right thing? I started taking ornaments off our Christmas tree awhile ago but did not finish the task. This seems to be my standard operating mode lately. The time has come, my friends, to once again focus on paring down and pulling focus.

Here are a few suggestions I am planning to follow for the new year. Get your body moving again! I am on a long break from teaching my belly dance classes, but last evening I began working on a new choreography to teach in February. This gives a structure to my exercise. It doesn't work to vow vaguaries such as "I will get in shape" or "I will lose weight" or "I will eat healthier." You must be specific! I am determined to walk our dog for at least 15 minutes each day. In winter it is imperative to get out of the house every single day, breathe fresh air, get your vitamin D from sunlight, and do something active. Cabin fever does not settle in so easily if you regularly step outside the cabin.

What kind of food do you want to eat? For me, the time has come to make a hearty soup every week. Eating in season means root vegetables like carrots, potatoes, yams, onions, and turnips. Immunity boosting foods such as mushrooms, garlic, thyme, parsley, oranges, pomegranates, and grapefruit are especially satisfying. Being a vegetarian, I have to make a conscious effort to incorporate protein, such as peanut butter on whole grain bread, yogurt, beans, a few eggs a week, and whole grain rice. I have given my husband the task of making seitan weekly, which is a wheat gluten and soy sauce based meat substitute. Tempeh sandwiches, from soy beans, are another of his specialties. With more protein, I notice less cravings for sweets. Ginger tea is beneficial for the respiratory and digestive systems and is an invigorating substitute for coffee or black tea, although in moderation these are fine.

Sleep! Take advantage of the early darkness and go to bed when you are tired. Take time to wind down. Praying the Rosary while I lie in bed calms my monkey mind, and often I can barely stay awake to finish it! Turn your troubles over to Father God and Mother Mary. People, however you do it, just pray. Pray every day. Light naturally scented candles or incense and listen to music you enjoy. Center yourself by reestablishing daily routines once the holidays have passed, and once focused, go about your daily round in a spirit of reverence. Alternate doing something you don't want to do with something pleasurable. Try something new!

Go through your closet and dresser drawers. Whatever doesn't fit, doesn't look good on you, doesn't suit your personality or lifestyle, and doesn't make you smile goes to charity. Don't save it to sell on Ebay. If you want to keep it for sentimental reasons, lovingly store it away. Make room for clothing that fits the person you want to be, the person God created you to be. Recently I watched the Audrey Hepburn movie, "Breakfast at Tiffany's." I was always inspired by Audrey's simple, chic style as a single woman and had the advantage of a thinner body and vintage clothing stores in the city in which I lived. But as a homeschooling mother I need comfortable, functional clothes. I was surprised when I watched the movie again that Audrey's style could still work!

The little black dress, which Audrey made so popular, is not actually so little. A sleeveless black dress in a fabric that stretches a bit, in a length at least to the knees, is a perfect mainstay for the chic mother's wardrobe. Ballet flats and feminine shoes with a short heel are so Audrey. Casual clothing that is fitted rather than baggy is flattering, and sticking with mostly neutral colors is mandatory for easy dressing. This is the French way to dress. French women have less clothing than Americans, but their wardrobe foundations are in classic styles and are high quality. They change it up with accessories--jewelry, scarves, hats, shoes, belts--adding a flash of color and individuality. They keep it simple. So where can you find Audrey style? In a brilliant stroke of memory I flashed back to the Ann Taylor Loft store I used to shop at. I went to Ebay, and hurray, lots of Audrey Hepburn type pieces.

So settle back on a cold winter's night and watch "Breakfast at Tiffany's," "Roman Holiday," and "Funny Face" and remember how whimsical and creative you once were, how you spent your time dreaming and following your passion, how you delighted in just being you. Visualize, maybe even in the form of an artist's sketch book of magazine images you use to create collages, exactly how you want your hair, makeup, wardrobe, and home to look. Then visualize how you want your life to be. Do you want to get married? Travel? Write a book? Start a business? Meditate? Live in a well-ordered home that is a sanctuary? See it in your mind and feel it in your heart first, then take a step each day toward the goal. That is doing the next right thing. Take the time to take care of yourself, and love the person you see in the mirror every day. Then spread the love.

Homeschooling: Dealing with Doubters, Part 3 (Trusting the Process)

The best way to deal with people who express doubt in the wisdom of your choice to homeschool is to provide yourself with spiritual fortification. Many of the tools I have acquired in this respect come from the 12 Steps and slogans of Al-Anon, a support group for family and friends of alcoholics. I recommend the daily readers, One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, Courage to Change, and Hope for Today to anyone who needs spiritual encouragement. And of course the well-known "Serenity Prayer" applies in any situation:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.

Much serenity comes down to acceptance. You may just have to accept another person's lack of acceptance of your lifestyle choices. However, you do NOT have to accept unacceptable behavior. This is where learning to draw boundaries comes in. You don't actually owe anyone an explanation. You are not obligated to engage in arguments. It has been unacceptable to me for other people to tell me how to educate or discipline my child, what diet I should be feeding her, how long I should breastfeed, where I should live, how many children I should have, or when she should be potty trained. Each person must decide what for her is acceptable and what is not.

On the other side of the equation, it is none of your business what anyone thinks of you! Isn't that liberating? If it isn't any of your business, then you don't have to do anything about it or worry about it. Easier said than done. When you are struggling with a particular feeling or experience, you can look in the index of one of those Al-Anon daily readers and find the page numbers for topics such as doubt, acceptance, boundaries, self-esteem, serenity, detachment, keeping the focus on yourself, and so on.

Much time and emotional energy can be wasted worrying about what someone said or what you think they are thinking about you. Releasing your need to control, or change, what another person thinks or feels will unload an enormous burden. You are not responsible for other people's thoughts, feelings, or reactions!

Naturally, this letting go and letting God is hardest to do with those in our lives with whom we are closest. For example, a pattern with certain family members attacking me and criticizing my child via email had developed, and their comments amounted to unacceptable behavior for me. Problems were brought out after they occurred and were not dealt with in person, and then not being aware of anything being wrong, I would receive these hurtful email messages. I contributed to the problem by responding with anger and hurt feelings and allowing the arguments to escalate, and nothing was ever resolved in a positive way. My well being was seriously threatened, and I even became physically ill. Finally, a light bulb went on, and my husband helped me change my email address, and no one in my family has it now. This is an example of changing the things you can.

Ultimately, I had to figure out my part of the problem. You can't be responsible for another person's part. You can only keep your side of the street clean. What it came down to was that I had to let go of my need for other people's approval. The very nature of some of my relationships had to change, and yours may as well. For example, sometimes parents behave as if they still have authority over their grown children. In such a case, you may choose to no longer accept such a parent-child paradigm and instead learn to be your own authority, in line with the will of God. This takes amazing courage. How might you change the nature of inappropriate relationship circumstances?

If someone wants to pursue an argument, possible ways to end it are to simply say, "I understand that's how you feel," or "You may be right," and change the subject. If you are on the phone, just say you aren't able to talk anymore, say good-bye and hang up. This isn't to imply that you should avoid a conversation or conflict that is really necessary to deal with. But in many cases trying to defend yourself only gives credibility to someone who is way out of line in the first place. Express yourself simply and concisely, and let go of the other person's response. Practice detachment, or removing yourself emotionally from another person's toxic stuff.

Even if the other person refuses to change his or her attitudes or behaviors, if you change your own, the relationship will have to change, and you can find healing. Keep the focus on yourself and your own family, and if self-doubt creeps in, talk to another homeschooling parent. I am amazed at how prevalent the interference of parents is in the lives of their adult children. So break your isolation and realize you are not alone, by far.

I entered adulthood having been intensely affected by what was diagnosed as alcoholism in a younger sibling. This had a profound effect on my love relationships, causing co-dependency and my tendency to take care of others and try to "save" them. I had a happy childhood until my teen years when these issues occurred. As a young adult, I was dysfunctional financially and had difficulty keeping an orderly home. I worked at jobs below my level of education, skills, intelligence, and creativity. I was never paid what I was worth, and I did not manage the money I did make very well, being prone to bouncing checks and being charged late fees on credit cards. I was one of those people who guiltily dodged the telephone calls of debt collectors and secretly felt bad about myself.

My Bachelor degree in English sometimes helped but didn't serve me well enough financially, and at age 30 I found myself working as a nanny. Realizing I needed a career path with a future, I enrolled at The Spa School through the Ohio State Schools of Cosmetology and earned my license as an esthetician. I had a job at a prominent day spa before I graduated, and for the first time in my life I made enough money to comfortably support myself, even more than I needed. I enjoyed my work and paid off all my debts, and today I have an excellent credit rating! But when I was given this job and knew how much I could expect to be paid, I wondered whether I deserved it. I doubted my worth.

What does this have to do with homeschooling? I can tell you that at the age of 12, I was a bright, capable, confident, fearless person. I was strong and wise beyond my years. And then something happened. I betrayed myself. People betrayed me. For years as an adult I searched for my lost Self. I diluted my personality to try to make others happy. That 6th grade girl had not doubted herself.

So if you wonder whether you are doing the right thing by homeschooling, ask yourself if you got what you needed at home and at school to prepare you for the adult world, whether you were able to function well in the most basic ways--to balance a checkbook, cook yourself healthy meals, change the tire on a car, maintain stable relationships, manage your household, respect yourself. This is not to blame anyone, but to reflect on your life and what worked and what didn't. If, like me, the answer is no, determine to provide a better preparation for your child via the lifestyle choice of homeschooling, if that is what works for your family. You will need no other purpose, and there will be no room for doubt.