The Spiritual Art of Detachment | Triggered by the Masks

I first learned about detachment as a member of the Al-Anon 12 Step groups for friends and family of alcoholics. I was an active member for 10 years, and the topic of detachment came up frequently. The principles and practices of Alcoholics Anonymous are based upon traditional Christianity, though the organization and its affiliates are autonomous groups with no religious affiliation. 

Detachment is difficult to both define and to practice. In the 12 Step groups, it's usually applied to emotionally distancing oneself from the problems and behaviors of another person. It isn't about not caring or going numb; we are supposed to feel our feelings and detach with love. 

Say, for example, that your spouse comes home drunk and passes out in the bathroom. You could lie awake for hours stewing in fear or anger, plotting the tongue lashing you're going to give him when he wakes up. Or, practicing detachment, you could check to make sure he's breathing okay, cover him up with a blanket, say a prayer, and go to sleep. You'll wait until he has sobered up to talk to him and will keep control of your own emotions and actions. 

Lately I've found that rather than needing to practice detachment with a particular person, it's the events of the outside world that are causing me anxiety, which could easily lead to obsession. Obsessive thinking, the desire for control, and an overly developed sense of responsibility are typical issues for the Al-Anon person.

I found myself worrying about people at Mass last evening, so many wearing masks, and knowing that it isn't healthy for them. I feel very disturbed with all the mask wearing, both forced and voluntary; loads of yellow caution tape in public places; and intense arguments and contradictory information in the news and on social media about COVID-19. Add to that the issues of civil unrest, murders, rapes, robbery, and destruction happening at the hands of Black Lives Matter and Antifa, and the debates surrounding all that. Top the bitter cake with the mismanagement of government officials in all of these areas, in many cases their blatant encouragement of mob rule, and we have a perfect storm of widespread insecurity and a desperate fight to preserve our safety, rights, and freedom. I will be shocked if it doesn't all rage to a volcanic explosion the likes of Pompei. 

The art of spiritual detachment seems nearly impossible to practice with the intense, prolonged, and multiple stresses we are all facing. Our own personal issues are quite enough to deal with. Adding so much extra baggage from the outside is too much of a burden for anyone. Sanity will not be possible without detachment. 

I will continue to explore detachment in subsequent posts, but for this one, I've gathered the memes to help define the concept, which is what one has to do before putting it into practice. Detachment really must begin with daily prayer and the Bible, or at least conscious contact with a "higher power." I highly recommend the Rosary. I have found that it not only calms me, but gives me clarity and stabilizes my thoughts and emotions. 

I hope you have found this helpful. Godspeed, Rita Michele

On Self-Possession & Setting Boundaries | Social Media

I created this video last month on an exceedingly hot day, and I was very tired. The message is perhaps not as succinct as my previous #WalkAway videos, so I've debated publishing it here at the blog. However, I think the topics presented are important, and I've taken some additional steps in regard to social media since I posted this at YouTube. 

I've deactivated from Facebook. I had two accounts and deactivated one of them months ago, and the other just last week. I'm considering permanently deleting both accounts. I will probably write a more detailed post with all the issues I've encountered, once I've had time to fully detox. 

I've also turned off the comment option here at the blog for the time being. I'm going to be honest about the reason for this. For many years I've been cyber bullied by someone I know. I feel stalked. I thought this abuse had ended, but when I recently discovered comments awaiting moderation that I had received no notification for, I found a barrage of vitriol from this person.

It's alarming that conservative views are increasingly being censored on large social media and news platforms. I want to be able to fight the good fight against this, but doing so puts me in the firing squad of personal attacks. Publishing hateful, obsessive comments of the kind I've been getting would make my blog look unprofessional and would create a hostile place for well-meaning folks to visit. When I set boundaries to protect my personal space and emotional health, I am being told that I'm "censoring" liberal views. 

My refusal to continue futile arguments on Facebook when I'd already allowed persons ample space to express their divergent views is not censorship. It's a healthy response. So many people do not respect the boundaries and rights of others, and this is simply more proof that the political left has gone off the rails. It used to be that "hijacking" a thread was bad manners, but more and more we see good manners going the way of the dinosaur. 

Conservative author and media personality Milo Yiannopoulos, who has been banned from every social media imaginable, has stated his feeling that these platforms are not going to last the long haul. I think he's right. We are going to have to find other means for protecting free speech, and other methods that will produce more productive means of communication. 

I have closed comments on my YouTube channel as well. It's very unfortunate that I can't feel safe, but that is the sad situation. I would love to be able to welcome all views, in response to the actual content I create, and to be able to take joy in these things that bring me happiness and that help other people to feel inspired and supported. 

I don't have the answers yet for how to proceed, but I will keep readers posted. Thank you for your patience and understanding as I navigate these tempestuous waters. I am safe under Mary's mantle, and I pray that all will feel so protected and blessed.

Contemplating a Protective Bubble

Father's homily today was a message I really needed to hear. Unfortunately, my ability to hear was hindered by unhappy young children behind me. But fortunately, Father is plugged in, and his normal speaking voice is very strong. It occurs to me just now that my experience at Mass this morning is a metaphor for being distracted from my spiritual path. There is dissonance all around us, and sometimes it is a strain to hear God's voice. We have to focus very hard, or we might miss something crucial.

In the Gospel reading today we find Jesus' enigmatic insistence that Christians must be willing to hate their families and relinquish worldly possessions to follow him. Is the word "hate" what he really meant, or is this a case of inadequate translation from Greek into English? Father's interpretation, as well as I could hear, was that we are not necessarily being called to give up everything we own or to forsake all of our relatives, but that we may be required to give up some of our possessions, or certain people in our lives.

Being a disciple of Jesus comes first, before anything or anyone else. That is the crux of the message. The question is, what are we willing to do, or to do without, in order to follow him? In a book I am reading by an American woman who has been living in Paris with her French husband for 30 years, the author says that the French have the ability to experience joie de vivre even in suffering. They live life fully and passionately, not shying away from controversy, pain, or uncomfortable events or feelings. I imagine that this has something to do with the fact that France is a traditionally Catholic country.

On my own journey to the Church, I learned that suffering is not an experience to be avoided. We don't go out and look for trouble, but if trouble comes into our lives, we are provided a way to work through it. We can offer our suffering up for a blessing on another who is in need, and we can unite our own suffering to Jesus' on the cross. My suffering can help someone else, and if I allow it to, it can purify me. But I must also welcome God's healing graces into my life and not wallow in grief. Jesus didn't stay on the cross forever, and neither should we.

All Christians are called to die to ourselves, but we aren't all called to be literal martyrs. I would also argue that figurative martyrdom isn't always necessary. In fact, if my ability to do the work God has called me, and only me, to do, is hindered by a person, an object, an institution, or an activity, then that "offending arm" needs to be cut off. Saying no to the invitation to walk on hot coals can be more difficult than walking barefoot across the fire. The devil does tempt us, every day. If we take our eyes off the ball even for a moment, the whole game could be lost.

It is my duty as a Christian parent to do everything in my power to get my child to heaven. The Church teaches that the education of a child is primarily the responsibility of his parents. Not his school teacher, Sunday school teacher, or religious education teacher, but his mother and father. Furthermore, a curriculum that is not permeated with the faith is not considered to be a valid education. At one point in history, public schooling did not separate children from their families for such long periods of time or conflict so acutely with Christian values as it does today. As it now stands, my husband pointed out, sending children to school is destabilizing to family life. Homeschooling is one remedy for these social and spiritual ills.

Being a homeschooling parent is a divine calling. It is something I am willing to defend with bared fangs if necessary. But mostly I wish to evangelize through my own example, with information for anyone who is genuinely interested in learning more about it, and by spreading positive messages to the community about this overwhelmingly successful educational option. In every area, I want to evangelize with passion and respect, not worrying over what anyone else thinks or says. Sometimes I fail to give myself permission to live in a Catholic bubble when that is what is necessary to keep my eyes on the prize.

Our children may not always understand when we have to say "no" in order to protect them. We have to teach them good and appropriate values, attitudes, and conduct. Each Christian parent is on his or her own leg of the journey. In order to protect our children, we may need to be vigilant in protecting ourselves from debilitating outside influences. One mom is tough as nails and criticism slides off her like water off a duck's back. Another is very sensitive, whether it be to words, images, negative energy, or loud noises. We have to know ourselves well, be very familiar with our strengths and weaknesses. One dad can invite a bear into his home, feed him honey, and send him on his way. Another will wrestle the bear and lose, or walk away alive but severely injured. Also, where we're at on the path changes over time. As I grow spiritually, I am hopeful that I will be able to detach with more finesse. Right now, however, it seems that I need to learn to pull that Catholic bubble around me and not allow anyone to pop it. Life is too short, and it's too exhausting to fight when it isn't absolutely necessary. As the saying goes, choose your battles wisely.

Prayer to Our Lady of Victory

O sweet and gentle Lady, Immaculate Mother of God, we beg you to be our Mother now and all the days of our life. Shield us Mother Mary with your holy mantle that nothing of the enemy could harm or molest us. Ask your Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, to spare us from any calamities that will cause our life misery. Pray for us that we may lead a life pleasing to Him, and when our end comes present us to Him, and may we live in His kingdom forever and ever, Amen. Our Lady of Victory, please pray for us.

Replacing Toxicity with Privacy and Manners

In France it is necessary, at the very least, to greet people with a polite, "Bonjour."  Bonjour Madame or Bonjour Monsieur is preferable. When I went to Paris with my parents on the State Farm trip my dad had won with his awesomeness, the company coached us on some basic French words and phrases. We should not expect the French to respond well to our presumption that they should speak in English. It was crucial that we show respect by attempting to speak their language, even if poorly. A simple bonjour would go a long way. And you know what? I did not experience the supposed rudeness of the French on our trip. In fact, in one store I visited on the Champs Elysses, I was greeted with, "Oh, I like you!" Yes, it was a man.

I know many people in the U.S. who have lovely manners. They say, "Good morning," and enquire about my well being. They say please and thank you. They write real letters and wrap presents with care. When they come to stay at my home, they bring me a hostess gift. Then there is everyone else. There is a gross absence of manners and decorum in modern society, most especially in regard to internet and cell phone communication. Case in point. I recently posted a link to favorable homeschooling statistics on my Facebook wall. As anyone who homeschools knows, we need all the encouragement we can get, and it is imperative to celebrate our freedom, our successes, the joie de vivre of this lifestyle.

A cousin wrote a very lengthy response which was in no way rude or disrespectful, yet it opened the door to disagreement. This is not necessarily a bad thing. But there was no indication in her post that she personally knew me, that we were actually related. No warmth, not even a simple greeting to indicate that we were both persons. While I was cordial, my response was likewise impersonal, taking my cue from her. I missed an opportunity to role model good manners. Internet conversations can easily get messy because they intrinsically lack tone. One must be very careful to remember that the person on the other end is breathing. My cousin's father joined the conversation, making it clear that he did indeed know me, but with no trace of evidence that I am a person for whom he cares. Facebook has ruined our relationship. But does it have to be that way? Might a simple return to manners solve much of the problem?

Seeing that, as usual, a civil, respectful conversation was not to be had, I chose to set a boundary and clearly state that the conversation would not continue on my personal space. That boundary was not respected. I felt that my serenity was at stake, but also that I was at risk for sinking to a lower level than befits the person of class and grace that I aspire to be. If your heart is pounding in your chest and your stomach is churning when you are in the presence of a person or during whatever type of communication, and this is a recurring incidence, it is time to clean house. This is toxic. It is clutter. It is so not la joie de vivre.

Being polite and having manners does not mean being a doormat! It does not mean shying away from expressing yourself. Do you have a deep-seated need to be liked by everyone, to have everyone's constant approval? It will not happen, no matter what. Let go of trying to fix things over which you have no control. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. You can count on people to be exactly who they are.

You have a right to privacy. You have the right to decline an invitation to ride the crazy-making merry-go-round. Just say no as kindly as you can. Non, merci. There is no room in my life for frenemies. The time wasted on that long winded FB conversation can never be retrieved. It ruined my digestion of an excellent dinner. The next time you feel yourself drawn into drama, ask yourself what you could be doing instead. Perhaps savoring a piece of dark chocolate, dancing with your child, making love, baking bread, making art. Praying, singing, writing a letter to your best friend. Let us endeavor to always be exquisite in our manners and to never, ever be gauche. Only hang clean laundry on the line, and don't let anyone with messy hands into your yard. We can love people without allowing them to leave buffalo chips on our property. After all, you are a woman, or a man, of repose.

A Child Draws Her Own Boundaries

This evening Beezy was playing on the porch with her new kitten, who is still very tiny.  A group of much younger children were out for a walk with their mother, and of course they were very interested in this pet!  But Beezy told me she wanted the kids to go, and she locked the screen door.  I knew she was feeling protective and overwhelmed by all the little hands wanting to touch the kitty.  I know this because I know her, but I asked her about it later, and she confirmed my intuition.  I didn't judge her reaction or her need to do what she saw fit to solve the problem at hand.  I understood and acknowledged the disappointment of the other children to their mother, but I didn't feel the need to fix anyone's feelings, not my daughter's, or the other children's, or the other adult's.  I simply observed.

Beezy set her own boundaries, met her own needs.  If she had asked me for additional help, of course I would have stepped in.  Later when we had come in from outside, she immediately wanted to go back out and do more chalk drawing.  I said, "If you need to draw some more, then do so!"  It was such a good feeling in both these instances to experience radical unschooling principles at work, to witness my own growth, and to be amazed.