Peaceful Borders.

In Radical Unschooling: A Revolution Has Begun, author Dayna Martin establishes trusting children in their learning choices as a basic tenet of unschooling. The learning going on in her home is primarily passion-driven. I take no issue with this; in fact, I applaud it.  Radical unschooling extends the unschooling educational philosophy to other areas of parenting, including trusting one's child regarding considerations such as food, media, TV, video games, bed times, potty training, etc... This is where the parameters get murky for me; in some cases I see the connection to trust in natural processes, while in others the distinction isn't clear. The main point of radical unschooling, to me, is love, respect, and gentleness toward children. It is peaceful, mindful, intuitive parenting, not a cart blanche of personal freedom.

Suppose, as a Catholic mother, I do not allow my child to view pornography. This might be interpreted as not trusting my child and trying to "control" him by some radical unschoolers. Is radical unschooling, then, to be understood as the complete abnegation of parental authority? In her blog, Dayna distinguishes between radical unschooling and permissive parenting, stressing that these are not one and the same. She advocates guiding children and providing them with relevant information, and believes in hands on parenting and in trusting your inner guidance in raising them. There seems to be room here for an authentic expression of values.

Therefore, if I value moral safety and believe that pornography viewing would harm my child, setting a limit in this area actually promotes true happiness and freedom and is an exercise of the parental vocation given me by God.  Since "limits" is a hot button word in the RU community, let's think outside the box and use a different moniker. I suggest peaceful borders. Think in terms of an enclosed garden, a sanctuary, or if you will, a domestic church. The borders are there not to wall you away from the rest of the world, but to provide protection and a safe haven for contemplation and the building up of qualities such as self-possession and discernment. Here you can listen to your inner voice and connect with Truth.

Can I promote "peaceful borders" and still be a radical unschooler? I can call myself whatever I want, of course. But the primary definition of "radical" would back me up if I did:  of, relating to, or proceeding from a root.  Interesting that we have here a correlating garden image! The garden speaks of fertility, growth, and natural cycles. "Radical" does not have to mean extremism or fanaticism. Radical unschooling implies rootedness. It does not have to be a complete rejection of all tradition or authority. It does not have to mean allowing children to do whatever they want, whenever they want, although that is the free choice some may make. We can pick from the garden of radical unschooling those areas of flexibility that make sense to us, that speak to our hearts, and that are for the good of our children and our families. We can take what we like and leave the rest.  It is okay if some fruit is forbidden.

Life, Unscripted.

One great thing that Dayna Martin addresses in her Radical Unschooling book is that there is no radical unschooling script. First let's consider that sometimes it does help to have a few useful phrases on the tip of one's tongue. In conflict situations in the Montessori classroom, for example, we taught the kids to begin with, "I don't like it when you..."  I felt like I got free assertiveness training along with my teacher education! I found that the same things that worked with young children worked with drunk men in bars. "I don't like it when you (name the offense)," was met with amazement and a cloudy understanding. Oh, women don't like that! Good to know. You could see the wheels turning. But I feel that to be authentic, one shouldn't be a walking, pat response. Using someone else's parenting style or scripted lingo will feel uncomfortable and false to both you and your children.

If unschooling results in a one-size-fits-all method of parenting, it is no better than mainstream patterns of punishment, abuse of authority, coercion, or generic curriculum use. In other words, there should be no "unschooling police", no bossiness about what you absolutely can and cannot do when it comes to unschooling. This would be failing to see the forest for the trees, and it would violate unschooling principles! I have discussed my understanding of unschooling as a method of education that does not separate learning from the rest of life. It is open source learning, not placing limits on learning according to time, place, or persons. Anyone in the child's life can be a teacher. Unschooling follows a child's interests and abilities, custom tailoring the education according to his or her needs.

Radical unschooling seems to have as its basic premise the extension of freedom and trust in education to other areas of life. But does this mean that there can be no limits, no rules, that the child should have everything and anything he wants, when he wants it? I think common sense alone would tell us, no.  Luckily we don't have to rely on common sense as Catholics, though. Original sin means that we have a tendency toward disorder in our desires, though we are, as creations of God, innately good. We must not fail to take either of these truths into consideration. We can also rely upon the particular trust in the Holy Spirit to guide us and our children, rather than some nebulous conception of blind trust.

Catholics do not consider immoral choices acceptable. Our freedom of choice is a freedom within limits, within the parameters of a set of definite values and guidelines established by the Church. And these are set forth for the benefit of all people and for their ultimate happiness, both in heaven and here on earth. So I can agree with Dayna that happiness should be the basic goal of education, but perhaps with a somewhat different slant. Radical unschooling for Catholics could still be possible within these boundaries, allowing for flexibility of rules, bedtimes, chores, food, etc.., which are determined according to a family's unique situation, values and principles, and depending upon such things as a child's age, maturity, personality, etc...

Radical unschooling certainly means respecting children as persons. According to Dayna, it is the path of balance, designed to meet the needs of all family members. It does not over-emphasize the rights and needs of the child. When I reflect upon my Montessori experience, the first school in which I taught was entirely child-centered and did not take into account the needs of teachers at all. This was extremely energy draining and spirit crushing.

Radical unschooling for Catholics could mean eliminating punishment. A partnership paradigm between children and adults is still possible along with the understanding that the parent is under the authority of God and teaches her children accordingly. We can establish our authority without being authoritarian. Most of all, I think it means freedom for each member of the family to be who God has created him or her to be. And it means that all families are free to be who they are. Unscripted.

Believing in Unschooling, Part 3

It appears that there are indeed Catholic families who practice radical unschooling, and they are not so dissimilar in their philosophy from non-Christian, radical unschoolers. I admit, however, that the internal struggle is still there. I vacillate from feeling the JOY of embracing unschooling and the creeping FEAR of...I don't know--the unknown? Worry about what other people will think? Worry that it won't work, and my child will "fall behind"?

It is summer, which is the perfect time to practice unschooling, when the public schools are closed and most homeschoolers are taking a break from academics. But I don't want to spend the whole summer with the spectre of what will happen in the fall haunting the back of my mind. The most logical thing to do, it seems, is to go from the known to the unknown--a basic Montessori principle. I know that my whole family is more joyful, and all of the relationships in our home have already improved, since I have increasingly focused on the ideas Dayna Martin puts forth in Radical Unschooling: A Revolution Has Begun. Just the night before last, for instance, it was getting late, and Beezy decided to rearrange her dollhouse. At first I wanted her to hurry up and put the things away so she could go to bed, but then I added, "but take your time!" She went from looking discouraged to feeling grateful. I respected her need to be doing that project at that moment, and it didn't take her long to finish.

My background as a Montessori teacher provides not only a philosophical touchstone, but a practical one; that is, how exactly might one apply Montessori principles to unschooling? Here is how it worked:  Children in my classroom would be asked if they would like a "presentation" of a particular "work", and they were free to either accept or decline. Most of the time they happily joined in the lesson. I think this approach could be successful with homeschooling lessons as well. Children naturally want to be able to do the things that they see adults and other children doing, and they enjoy having the attention of their parents.

Take a goal I have regarding the Faith. I would like to instill a routine of morning prayers and an evening Rosary. I can simply let my husband and daughter know that I am going to do these things and invite them to join me. They can either accept or decline the invitation. I do agree with unschoolers that internal motivation is much more effective in the learning process and in accomplishing anything in life in general, than the threats of punishment or disapproval hanging over one's head. Montessori used the word seduce, which in Victorian times meant to entice the child to wish to participate. The teacher sits on the floor with a project she is obviously very interested in doing, and the children will flock curiously to her side.

What do you think? I think it's an experiment worth trying, not just for the sake of the children, but for the sake of families. What if radical unschooling (which in it's best form could be called mindful parenting) could bring back the family as God intends it to be, the foundation and bedrock of a healthy, loving, thriving, peaceful, mutually supportive society? Wouldn't it be nice? Yes, but I don't think it is merely something that would be just great but is already too lost to be retrieved from the rubble.  It is possibility.  It is freedom.  It is hope.

More Wabi-Sabi Photos

Today I documented our organic gardening process with my camera, so I'll get those photos ready soon, along with some basic information for using the raised beds. In the meantime, here are some more wabi-sabi photos from my small town homestead. Enjoy!

The statue of Our Lady and the Child Jesus was handcrafted by a company online (don't remember the name offhand). It is attached to an upside down urn, as we get heavy winds in NW Ohio. The bird bath is from a garden center in Ft. Wayne, IN. The field stone came from our yard, which the previous owner used as natural garden borders. The empty pots now have something planted in them, which you will see in a future post.

This weathered bird feeder, from one of those home shows, hangs from the tree next to the brick patio where you see the statue and bird bath. This is a very popular stop for our feathered friends--a place to eat, drink, bathe, and rest...

 Bark worn off from much tree climbing!

fading lilacs

 

 Huge, rusted TV tower. Our home was built in 1908 of local field stone, with a terra cotta tile roof.

 Cool pattern left on the house after my husband tore out the poison oak. We all got the itchy rash, but at least I got a great picture!!

A bamboo wind chime from Dollar General, hung against the garage by Beezy.

 Next door neighbor's broken bird bath. She blamed our cat, but I don't believe it!!

Replacing Fear withTrust

I finished Dayna Martin's book, Radical Unschooling: A Revolution Has Begun, this afternoon. It only took me three days to read, and I passed it on to my husband. Now I have begun to re-read Suzie Andres' A Little Way of Homeschooling: Thirteen Families Discover Catholic Unschooling. Dayna speaks of her spirituality in her book but does not mention practicing a particular religion. Yet there is a common theme running through both books, which is that of trust.  Fear of the future is something Dayna has observed in parents, and it paralyzes them from being authentic and living in the present. And of course Jesus teaches complete trust in him.

In the Al-Anon 12 Step program, FEAR is the acronym for False Evidence Appearing Real.  What assumptions do we make about education, about children and parenting, based on the mainstream ideas embedded in our culture and with which most of us grew up? The traditional model is authoritarian, revolving around obedience and punishment. Dayna Martin insists that punishment of children is never necessary. Never. That thought alone is mind-blowing.

The mother of a teenage girl recently told me that her daughter struggles in school with algebra. It's the only subject in which she does not receive an A.  So is she failing this class? No, she is getting a B.  Heaven forbid! I have heard many similar stories. The pressure on kids to be perfect is fierce. And since we are trained in school and by mainstream parenting to derive our self-worth from the rewards and punishments of others, many adults never become autonomous, never learn to think for themselves, and forever depend upon the approval of someone else. When that is the case, the logical conclusion is that we fail to put our trust in God and to rely on his guidance alone. We can't believe in ourselves, either. We are perpetually crushed by the guilt of not measuring up to others' expectations, by the fear of making a mistake. Guilty simply for trying to be ourselves, the people God created us to be. The noise is so loud we can barely hear the voice of Divine Love calling us home.

Everything must be measured in mainstream thinking. When I worked as an esthetician at a day spa, there were "secret shoppers" who came in as customers and evaluated us. We did not get paid for that service unless the secret shopper granted a score of 100%!  I thought this was an unfair practice, and I told my manager as much. When I was secretly shopped, I got a perfect score. This was because I gave my best to every customer, out of internal motivation. The employees of this salon were not trusted to do their jobs well. If the motivation of the fear of being secretly shopped and punished for not measuring up really worked, then everyone would get a 100%, but they didn't.

Not being trusted is as insulting to children as it is to adults, because children are as fully persons as grown ups are. When people close to me did not trust me to be a good homeschooling parent, I was devastated. I was still relying on others for approval, and they were still functioning under an authoritarian mindset. If people are older, they think they know better, even when you grow up and have gray hair. They were never trusted, and so they can't trust you. No wonder society is so dysfunctional!

Fear, intimidation, coercion, and punishment don't work with children, and they don't work with adults. These tactics create power struggles, rebellion, and the killing of the human spirit. Dayna Martin, Suzie Andres, and other unschooling trailblazers are forging a better way, a path to joyful living and secure families. I don't agree with every position radical unschoolers take, nor do I think Dayna would expect anyone to.  She advocates following your own intuition, respecting the differences and uniqueness of others. She preaches authenticity and peace. Isn't this exactly what our suffering world needs?

Wabi-Sabi in Nature

I got my new camera for Mother's Day, a Canon SX160 IS, and I love it! I began by taking some photos around my yard, porches, and outside of the house for examples of the wabi-sabi aesthetic. Wabi-sabi is the Japanese art of imperfect beauty, which has its roots in "the way of tea".  Shaza kissa means, "Well, sit down and have some tea." It's about simple elegance, hospitality, humility, and the transitional phases of nature--the moments of being tight in the bud or in the stage of fading and falling away.

Wabi-sabi is weathered, rusty, well-loved and well-worn. It is handmade. Wildflowers placed in a pottery container as they naturally would grow, rather than a precise arrangement of roses in a glass vase. It is vintage, not newly produced in a factory. Cobblestones, adobe, clotheslines, and flea markets. Wabi-wabi cannot be bought as a set in a store; it must evolve organically, which requires patience and time.

Wabi-sabi is not dirty and cluttered. There is a divine order to nature. Days have their own rhythm, and the cycles of birth, growth, decay, death, and rebirth are honored. Pulling weeds by hand instead of killing with chemicals. Sleeping when we are tired and eating when we are hungry. Keeping things neat and clean but not sanitized with toxic chemicals. Reflecting and conversing over a cup of tea.  Listening.

What can you salvage rather than throw away? How does cotton feel against your skin, as opposed to polyester? What art might you create to decorate your home; what pictures made by your children could you frame? Chipped paint, crumbled plaster, frayed rope, cracked teacups--can you find the beauty in these? And when you gaze in the mirror, can you accept with love the wrinkles, the scars, the bulges, the crookedness?

Let your hair curl and frizz in the heat and humidity, as it is wont to do. Put your flat iron away. Wear linen, which looks great wrinkled. Don't just think outside the box--dance, dream, live and believe in some small way differently from usual every day. Let go of the need to control. There is a healing balm to be found in your own home and right in your own backyard--the embracing of the wabi-sabi way. Who can you welcome today?

School's Out! Now what?

Last Thursday I said to Beezy, "How would you like this to be the last day of school?" Of course she was all for it, so when we completed lessons I said, "Congratulations on finishing this school year. Thank you for being in my class." I shook her hand, and then she raised both fists in the air and shouted, "Outside forever!"  She had told me recently during a school day that she just wanted to be outside running around. I listened. I realized that even doing lessons on the upstairs balcony, with tree branches at arms' length and in the company of the sights and sounds of the outside world, was not enough to curb the feeling that she was missing out. In fact, I think that looking the little birdies in the eye made it worse. There are kittens across the street to visit, squirrels to chase, and toddlers in the neighborhood that want to play. Monday was running-in-the-sprinkler weather. So glad we were done with school!

So here is what we are up to. Yesterday we went to Farmer Jo Ann's for flowers, finally. Less than two weeks ago it got down to freezing over night! While practicing piano, Beezy told me she wished she had lessons every day. She has "written" her own song, and she loves experimenting with sounds on the electronic keyboard. Tuesday she has dog obedience class with Daisy for her 4-H project. Thursday we are going to the circus as part of her birthday, and we are taking a friend of hers who also has a May birthday. We will visit a science museum in Ft. Wayne with another friend this weekend, and then celebrate my grandma's 85th birthday at my cousin's house. The first week of June is Vacation Bible School, which is always a highlight of Beezy's year. The week after that, the pool will open.

As for summer reading, I had the brilliant idea of having Beezy choose her own picture books from the library, and it is working. She chooses to read them. We will do that every couple of weeks. I say this idea was brilliant because it was so obvious. She always picks out videos for herself, but never books. I had to suggest it, and there was a little resistance, but sometimes children do need a gentle push in the right direction. I'm going to find a little basket for her to keep them in.

Life just continues on, and we savor the unique pleasures and opportunities that each season brings. Hopefully the freedom from school lessons will help me to observe closely the ways in which learning happens in every moment of every day and is not separate from the rest of life. Then when fall comes, the shift into "school time" will be merely an organic segue into the next season, rather than an abrupt change. We will be truly unschooling.